maybe i really am a lesbian

what is wrong with me, i really can't say. here you are, so totally engrossed in getting to know me and yet i constantly push you away. you score a 7 1/2 on my scale of qualities a man should have and i'm just not drawn. i mean obviously one cannot care for everyone that cares about you but still........
and i don't want to mistreat you but sometimes i feel like i still want to keep you close just in case, is that bad? the thing that i hear hits you when you find that person just has not hit me yet, is that it? is it that i'm waiting for a strike of something that may or may not exist? how pathetic am i really?
why do you still call? you're starting to really puzzle me, what satisfaction do you get from hearing my voice or am i being too arrogant in that respect, maybe you're playing games, maybe i'm just a total moron for mistreating you.....maybe i should go eat a slice of that chocolate cake that's in the frigde, yum.....yeah i think i rather do that

where were you when i needed you?

you know what, i'm kinda pissed off. but who am i really pissed off at more though, you or me??? it's like you think you could just come and go as you please ya know, and that pisses me off But then again i gotta take some of the blame too i mean, it's not like i put up too much of a fight when you saunter in, boy, i must seem like a real push over dread, or am i that hard up? and i stay here and watch you on your little escapades, and say nothing. when you left, you didn't even look back ya know, you started your life happily without me, and when i needed you the most you were nowhere, yet you're back here again. FUCK!!!
you're so lost though, sometimes i feel as though you need me in your life, some guidance or even stability or something, what is it you want? what is it you need? why do i care? i don't even know if i have it in me to care anymore dread, and that's the part that bothers me the most, i just somehow always thought i would always care for you, always and it kinda pains me in a way that someone i once loved so deeply, now i feel......nothing.
where were you when i needed someone to listen, to cry with, to trust, to just be there....nowhere
so don't blame me now that you're nothing to me, don't blame me

cold as ice

nothing
kinda empty inside, no feeling, no warmth, just air
i want to know what it feels like to care about something passionately
instead of just feeling like a vacuum
nothing
no pitter patter of the heart
no sweaty palms
where are the butterflies that were mine?
nothing
kinda dead outside too
no nervous anticipation
or surprize around the corner
nothing
just breathing in the recycled air
of people with something
hardly keeps me going
nothing
just there
no expression
no clue or idea
still nothing
hard to explain this feeling
like my shadow, it's always there
just cold
nothing
longing for anything
a distraction even for just a day
no reminders of the chill, that exists in my air

i wish i felt nothing

why am i here? singing the same old song. is my heart so dead it needs these jolts of pain to breathe new life? emotionally unavailable yet i'm so drawn, it must be those fucking eyes that got me so hypnotized. but you, you wish nothing more of me than my body, and me, me, i give into you so easily. what is it about you that draws me so, always after the wrong guy, why? i don't know, could you just smile for me? just for once?

i wish i could tell you how i feel, but you'd never understand. knowing you, you'd just go and leave me here to pick up the pieces. what fucking pieces? there should never have been a connection. i purposely block people out, how the fuck did you get in?

i wish you could want me, like i want you. i wish you would wish you were always with me, enjoying my company. i wish i could tell you how i feel, and you understand (i wish you were my man). i wish i wans't here writing, instead, should be next to you. i wish your heart would break at the mere thought of me not being there. sometimes i also wish that you too, would just disappear. i wish i didn't have to wish and that you would call. i wish you were thinking of me this very instant. i wish i could forget you, move on, start over (still i wish we were together, in the shower). i wish i had the same effect on you as you on me. i wish you cared more. i wish you'd spent the night talking to me and not her (what's that about?). i wish i felt nothing

what doesn't belong to me

i wish you could feel what i felt
when you did what you'd done
that day back in april
i wish you'd care enough
to cry some of my tears
but you just walked away and smiled
didn't even look back
but i guess i deserve to be walked on
giving you my all
was my mistake
and now i hate what i've become since you
since you tore my heart into too many pieces
that they've all gone off
on their own journey
and yet i'm still here
year after year, sucking in all the air
until you disappear

it's funny how i find myself

i miss you, i really do, can you handle me admitting this to you? i mean, it's just a reflection of my inner, my honesty, aren't those some of the qualities you like about me? my modesty. it wouldn't be fair if i kept this all to myself, inside, i promised i would always say how i feel even if it hurt me to say it, i'd be lying if i said it didn't hurt, oh wait, this isn't about me, i forgot. so back to my point of view, i find it strange that i'm not in more control, i mean, i always knew my role........in your life, i could never be your wife. i ask myself, how much do you miss me? see, if i only knew that part then my blues would be justified, wait, i lied! i don't ask anymore.

strange you never knew

i mean, it's not that i care, well......not really. i guess the feeling i have right now is one of failure. i feel as if i've failed in some aspect, in some way, as if i've failed myself even. all of that killing them with kindness b.s. didn't work. i feel as if i failed by not being able to get him to love me, by not presenting myself in a way that he could go like "damn!!! i can't believe she is actually in my life". i've failed myself in the sense that i allow these "anybodys" to come into my life, run wild (for free may i add) and leave without writing a review, without even leaving a note in the suggestion box *sigh*...... without me. it's like someone is playing this really big joke on me, so what you're saying is that there's no gold at the end of the rainbow? hum........what's my lesson in this whole thing nah? that no matter what the consequence never let anyone make me feel ashamed of giving my all, to always be honest and to remind myself that it's not me that failed it's the person's inability too see that i am. human.

numb

i should've felt something but i didn't i guess when i'm done i truly am done. i know i should've felt somethnig but i didn't, where did those feelings go? are they gone forever? i should've felt something but i didn't, can't quite figure how i feel about it, am i happy or sad? i usually feel something but i felt nothing, i guess moving on can do that to you. yet a part of me resents the fact that i no longer care, can't have it both ways but still. damn, i know i should've felt something but yet i can't force myself to feel. sometimes i can't help how i feel but atleast now i know what to do with it. those feeelings were never mine, just some abstract fragments in the cosmic world that caught my wind for a while then left without even a good-bye, no traces left to show that it was even there. disappear.

i miss you, but i'm glad you're gone

it isn't
don't blame yourself
we can't always have what we desire
if wants were so easily attained
i'd be lying next to you every hour on the hour
there i go again
selfish
it takes two, i can't force you
what if i begged?
ha!
miss me yet?
before you blink i'll be gone
just a cast of my shadow
funny how things change
it wasn't
and i didn't even know
left out the loop
blindly walking the path
don't you laugh, i didn't mind
well, maybe a little
maybe alot
this too will pass
the distance helps
by tomorrow i'd forgotten your name
and then i'll start all over again
i so envy you
i miss you
i love you
i hope i can resist you
when i see you again
don't ever change, remain the same
hopefully when we meet
i'll remember your name

speechless

overcome with such sadness
trapped in emotional madness

miserable

just got home, not too tired but so full of different emotions, sometimes i think i'm so better off alone ya know, then i would only have me to worry about, only my troubles to have to try to work out, only my misery to keep me miserable. what is it to be carefree i'd like to know, to not have a care......like the weight lifted even shifted. i look at u and ur so.....so........clueless, if u only knew the power u held.....i'm rambling, my thoughts are all over the place......i should go