it's funny how i find myself

i miss you, i really do, can you handle me admitting this to you? i mean, it's just a reflection of my inner, my honesty, aren't those some of the qualities you like about me? my modesty. it wouldn't be fair if i kept this all to myself, inside, i promised i would always say how i feel even if it hurt me to say it, i'd be lying if i said it didn't hurt, oh wait, this isn't about me, i forgot. so back to my point of view, i find it strange that i'm not in more control, i mean, i always knew my role........in your life, i could never be your wife. i ask myself, how much do you miss me? see, if i only knew that part then my blues would be justified, wait, i lied! i don't ask anymore.

strange you never knew

i mean, it's not that i care, well......not really. i guess the feeling i have right now is one of failure. i feel as if i've failed in some aspect, in some way, as if i've failed myself even. all of that killing them with kindness b.s. didn't work. i feel as if i failed by not being able to get him to love me, by not presenting myself in a way that he could go like "damn!!! i can't believe she is actually in my life". i've failed myself in the sense that i allow these "anybodys" to come into my life, run wild (for free may i add) and leave without writing a review, without even leaving a note in the suggestion box *sigh*...... without me. it's like someone is playing this really big joke on me, so what you're saying is that there's no gold at the end of the rainbow? hum........what's my lesson in this whole thing nah? that no matter what the consequence never let anyone make me feel ashamed of giving my all, to always be honest and to remind myself that it's not me that failed it's the person's inability too see that i am. human.

numb

i should've felt something but i didn't i guess when i'm done i truly am done. i know i should've felt somethnig but i didn't, where did those feelings go? are they gone forever? i should've felt something but i didn't, can't quite figure how i feel about it, am i happy or sad? i usually feel something but i felt nothing, i guess moving on can do that to you. yet a part of me resents the fact that i no longer care, can't have it both ways but still. damn, i know i should've felt something but yet i can't force myself to feel. sometimes i can't help how i feel but atleast now i know what to do with it. those feeelings were never mine, just some abstract fragments in the cosmic world that caught my wind for a while then left without even a good-bye, no traces left to show that it was even there. disappear.