Suffocating slowly

I need space for my desires,
for my chance to fully grow and know that i've maximized my potential.
constantly in motion, pulled here and there,
the sphere of my existence is being challenged.
reaching for something,
what?
where is this place that i think i need to go?
how will i know when i arrive? running the distance required, tired, anxious, big dreams press me forward, yet there is this thing, this........weight, that holds me back. no room, not enough room for us all to fit "quit while you're ahead" it says, know your role, accept that this is all there is, that in the way of how things are you're no star (not even a stand in) merely fulfilling your part in the human race, was never promised to be a joy just simply a ploy to get you to play along. oh! now i get it.

yet i still have this need, this greed, this seed (that needs to grow to feed) this weed.

i need space for my desires.
i need space for my desires.
i need space for my desires.
just don't want to choke in my own air.

one minute

Breathing
Existing
Happily?
Living
Dreaming
Giving
Receiving?
Unsure
Stationary
Wanting
Fear
Unknown
Past
Remembering
Choices
Future
Thinking
Feeling
Empty?
Time’s up……

take everything (a verse for kevin)

Meditate
Don’t hesitate
Thoughts of you procreate
In my mind
Had to buss a rhyme
To pre-occupy my time (you’re so fine)
But I digress
I do
From the matter of you
And you’re walking away
From us (lust)
Happening again
Every different time the same
As before
This door, this damned door
Closing on what could be
I believe in you and me
Yeah, corny
Heard it in a song
Gotta be strong
Haven’t known you that long
Still, you’re affecting me

Levitate
Don’t gravitate
In the opposite direction
One of these days
When you point out my
Imperfections, your own
Reflection
You might see in my eyes
No lies
Being with you, was such a
High
Sigh
Running
Trying to increase
The distance
Inner resistance, fighting against myself
Do you believe?
In what you see
Pure emotions
Bounce right off you
Still….you’re affecting me

Deviate
Don’t celebrate
Our death
I was comfortable
With our being
Gosh, I’m gonna miss our being
Such bliss (when we kiss)
But I’ll stay away
From today
No more nights will we
Lay together
Forever apart (cheating my heart)
I can’t lie
Told you were the guy
That haunts me
In my sleep
Like a porno creep
Taking what you can
Typical man (I understand)
Just wanna be free
From your affecting me
From your memory.

secretly

Crashing down
All around
Without making a sound
My whole world has flipped
Not nearly equipped
To deal with this sh....
Kinda skin deep
In me you creep
Even when I'm asleep
And when I'm awake
All my time you take
Thinking of you

a break in my transmission begins

Am I better off alone? i mean technically I'm not alone per say, I have wonderful friends and family, and the best gosh darn dogs in the western hemisphere, so where then did I come up with this concept of "aloneness". Is it because I don't have a "significant other"? who fulfils what needs though? physical needs? Well it has been shown over the years that one does not need to be in a "relationship" to have that fulfilled and nowadays people don't even need each other, they just do it their darn selves so that can't be it. So what then? it is a confidant? can't be cause I confide in my closest of friends, I lay all of my insecurities, my problems, my triumphs and failures on them, so i'm lost. maybe then it's this soulmate phenomenon, but i've found my soulmate already, in another female, (and i'm no lesbian "not that there's anything wrong with that!") but i define her as my soulmate because we are so close and alike in so many ways that when we "feel" and we explain to each other how certain things affect us, to me it's like we have the same exact feeling(s), it's weird I know, but she's touched me in ways that make me want to be a better person. But I digress............So where was I? right yes, alone. alone but not lonely. or am I deluding myself? Come to a point now where I don't think I know the difference, I'm just existing in this space and trying to not get left behind, I guess only time will tell if I sink or swim. how can i even know if i'm better off alone when i'm not even really alone, i'm getting confused.

and it's just

gotta lil 'jones.........

last place

Why can’t things be simpler? I mean, must there always be so much confusion and uncertainty? True, maybe having things handed on a silver platter all the time might indeed get a lil boring, true, there may be some things you would want handed on a gold platter, accompanied by a lovely gold spoon even. So then why can’t there be a balance, a little good and a little bad to keep the good in check. Am I missing something? I know I’ve got to be missing something. Maybe if I looked up at the sky, ya know, like what those people do before they get a brilliant idea, maybe that might work. Hum…….let me try. Nope, nothing so far, oh shoot, suppose I wasn’t looking up long enough, stupes, I can’t win. I remember in my younger days I couldn’t wait to be this age. I had so many damn plans and now as my birthdays come and go I feel as though I’m running out of time - time to do what though? I obviously not running out of time if I can spend said time looking up in the sky for something, stupes, so I just wasted time then, I can’t win. I remember I always used to feel as though I was running a race but with who though? I guess my friends, people around me, constantly looking at others and making comparisons, they’re always ahead. But then, ha! I developed multiple personalities so I was basically racing my other selves. Aren’t I the smart one? It’s amazing how you could have one personality around one person and then be a totally different person around another. How does one keep it up? I’m bedazzled everything I notice the switch. What is this invisible pressure that forces us to play this game of hide and seek constantly, geez, I already in a race and now this? I can’t win. But maybe I approaching it from the wrong angle though, maybe hmmmm, if I turn my head this way and….look up with my head tilted slightly, yeah, this way, so that now my left eye is closer to the………YUP! There it is, woohoo! I just received a brilliant idea (wow, my brain is faster than ADSL). I should probably stop worrying about my time, take a breather from this race and just accept the fact that somebody always has to be in last place. Hum……which personality will it be though? AHHHHH, I can’t decide….oh the pressure.

prose for a rose

Excuse me,
but would you be so kind
to give me a lil peace of mind,
they’re things that just ain't making sense
and my brain been working overtime.
Ya see,
I got alot of dreams and ideas coming out the seams
but these people be hating on my skills
and nobody been hearing my silent screams.
It’s like,
they all wanna see me fail
making it hard for me to inhale or exhale,
relief comes when I’m by myself alone
and away from those who try to derail – me
and keep me on their level hell no!
I ain't gonna bow to the devil,
he may smile and tempt all he try
I gotta cause without the rebel.
But again,
this deafening noise all up in my ears
and all the gossipers and naysayers,
like a phoenix from the flames I will rise
and no longer be a victim to my fears.
So excuse,
but would you be so kind to allow me my peace of mind,
the way these people be acting,
I'm fittin' to give them piece of mine!!!!

human nature

it's human nature, we can't deny our feelings, but we can hide them

take me back to the start

how should i feel? how can i answer that when i don't even know how i feel? it's like, moving away has been challenging, however, i thought i would've been more unsettled that this, i guess it's people i miss more than the actual environment. and now here i am in a place of such unfamiliarity, which is strange seeing that i've been coming here for years. i'm trying my best to maintain this positive attitude that i've adopted since i arrived but sometimes it can be so challenging when you totally don't know where you're headed. Already i am so not where i planned to be at this age, makes me wonder why plan to begin with, they just never go accordingly. and then i find myself fantasizing all the time, just these whirlwind ideas keep floating in my head, how i would love to experience at least one, just for one of my fantasies to come to be would be fabulous, even though they say fantasies are there to give us something to hope for, and that one should never achieve them for achievement would mean there's nothing more to look forward to. whatever! were i to achieve my fantasies i would just spend more time fantasizing of more fantasies. but here i am, not knowing where i'm going or where i'm going to end up, longing for something that everyday i am more convinced will never be mine and just trying to keep my head above water. i'm not going to even stress though, nobody said it would be easy........i wonder why?

melon

it sucks that i can't be there when she needs me the most. just like that, in an instant, you can lose someone you hold so dear. i wish i was there to listen, to laugh, to even cry with her, anything that would make a difference. family is so very important and i am reminded everyday how very lucky i am to have my family. Mel, i hope you're doing better today and that my prayers are reaching you every night, if i know "gertz" she probably up in heaven, right next to God, talking his poor lil ear off, lol. rest in peace.

don't leave

i miss you
and i'm still here
just saw your face in a dream
gonna be hard moving away
how things happen
and just totally change the tide
chaaaaa

caught

i'm surprised it took me so long to recognize you, true, i wasn't looking, well not at first, recently this burst came over me and has consumed my being, seeing i'm leaving soon you'd think i'd be better protected, that i'd have my own back, matter of fact that i'd not even be checking you out, no doubt. you make me feel. now, somehow, i've allowed this feeling to grow, even though, we can't be, funny i'm admitting this now but i don't wanna change how, things are, you're like totally at the top by far, do you even know who you are? i should probably stay away, stray for just a while, smile, it's for the best. i guess.

this fits too

miserable.......

crazy..........deranged!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! i think i like you, like i get these funny feelings everytime you're around and like my tummy gets all weezy and stuff and like i feel nervous and it's not cool cause it's starting to drive me crazy, i just don't know what to do with myself

she doesn't know

she seems to live her life in a vacuum, a world where no means yes, just friends means try again tomorrow and see if u get through then or maybe throw in a little waterworks, heck! it worked in "the best man". one always assumes that with age comes a certain entrance into the wise pool, but one also forgets that wisdom is relative. him, hum......what can i say about him? observant, interesting, charismatic, confident, diverse.........delayed.

how can you not know? i find that hard to understand. i mean don't get me wrong, there have been times when i knew but i cared so much that the two were at odds. but to put yourself in a position that you find you're losing yourself and what you believe? LEAVE!

how can you not even know your own worth? wow, look at me here, talking like i know, talking like i've never been there and like i wouldn't understand how it feels. maybe i'm losing myself as well, denying the fact that maybe i am still silently where she is, in my own world of self-denial and low self worth. what on earth am i still doing there?

she doesn't know, but maybe i don't either

the decent negro

some strange relations we've been having
are we more than friends?
so much drama even ma' mama been laffing
can't even tell what's real

this nigga got the nerve to call me strange
won't even let me finish a sentence
is it me or you that's changed
i'd kill for a little honesty

i thought i'd miss you more than this
but i'm kinda confused
i definitely thought you were higher on my list
but maybe it's my "strangeness" that's affecting me

it's pretty strange how some friends fall out
and then end up so far apart
for a brief moment saw what i was without
and now i exit stage left, no right, no.....i just exit