a break in my transmission begins

Am I better off alone? i mean technically I'm not alone per say, I have wonderful friends and family, and the best gosh darn dogs in the western hemisphere, so where then did I come up with this concept of "aloneness". Is it because I don't have a "significant other"? who fulfils what needs though? physical needs? Well it has been shown over the years that one does not need to be in a "relationship" to have that fulfilled and nowadays people don't even need each other, they just do it their darn selves so that can't be it. So what then? it is a confidant? can't be cause I confide in my closest of friends, I lay all of my insecurities, my problems, my triumphs and failures on them, so i'm lost. maybe then it's this soulmate phenomenon, but i've found my soulmate already, in another female, (and i'm no lesbian "not that there's anything wrong with that!") but i define her as my soulmate because we are so close and alike in so many ways that when we "feel" and we explain to each other how certain things affect us, to me it's like we have the same exact feeling(s), it's weird I know, but she's touched me in ways that make me want to be a better person. But I digress............So where was I? right yes, alone. alone but not lonely. or am I deluding myself? Come to a point now where I don't think I know the difference, I'm just existing in this space and trying to not get left behind, I guess only time will tell if I sink or swim. how can i even know if i'm better off alone when i'm not even really alone, i'm getting confused.

and it's just

gotta lil 'jones.........

last place

Why can’t things be simpler? I mean, must there always be so much confusion and uncertainty? True, maybe having things handed on a silver platter all the time might indeed get a lil boring, true, there may be some things you would want handed on a gold platter, accompanied by a lovely gold spoon even. So then why can’t there be a balance, a little good and a little bad to keep the good in check. Am I missing something? I know I’ve got to be missing something. Maybe if I looked up at the sky, ya know, like what those people do before they get a brilliant idea, maybe that might work. Hum…….let me try. Nope, nothing so far, oh shoot, suppose I wasn’t looking up long enough, stupes, I can’t win. I remember in my younger days I couldn’t wait to be this age. I had so many damn plans and now as my birthdays come and go I feel as though I’m running out of time - time to do what though? I obviously not running out of time if I can spend said time looking up in the sky for something, stupes, so I just wasted time then, I can’t win. I remember I always used to feel as though I was running a race but with who though? I guess my friends, people around me, constantly looking at others and making comparisons, they’re always ahead. But then, ha! I developed multiple personalities so I was basically racing my other selves. Aren’t I the smart one? It’s amazing how you could have one personality around one person and then be a totally different person around another. How does one keep it up? I’m bedazzled everything I notice the switch. What is this invisible pressure that forces us to play this game of hide and seek constantly, geez, I already in a race and now this? I can’t win. But maybe I approaching it from the wrong angle though, maybe hmmmm, if I turn my head this way and….look up with my head tilted slightly, yeah, this way, so that now my left eye is closer to the………YUP! There it is, woohoo! I just received a brilliant idea (wow, my brain is faster than ADSL). I should probably stop worrying about my time, take a breather from this race and just accept the fact that somebody always has to be in last place. Hum……which personality will it be though? AHHHHH, I can’t decide….oh the pressure.

prose for a rose

Excuse me,
but would you be so kind
to give me a lil peace of mind,
they’re things that just ain't making sense
and my brain been working overtime.
Ya see,
I got alot of dreams and ideas coming out the seams
but these people be hating on my skills
and nobody been hearing my silent screams.
It’s like,
they all wanna see me fail
making it hard for me to inhale or exhale,
relief comes when I’m by myself alone
and away from those who try to derail – me
and keep me on their level hell no!
I ain't gonna bow to the devil,
he may smile and tempt all he try
I gotta cause without the rebel.
But again,
this deafening noise all up in my ears
and all the gossipers and naysayers,
like a phoenix from the flames I will rise
and no longer be a victim to my fears.
So excuse,
but would you be so kind to allow me my peace of mind,
the way these people be acting,
I'm fittin' to give them piece of mine!!!!

human nature

it's human nature, we can't deny our feelings, but we can hide them

take me back to the start

how should i feel? how can i answer that when i don't even know how i feel? it's like, moving away has been challenging, however, i thought i would've been more unsettled that this, i guess it's people i miss more than the actual environment. and now here i am in a place of such unfamiliarity, which is strange seeing that i've been coming here for years. i'm trying my best to maintain this positive attitude that i've adopted since i arrived but sometimes it can be so challenging when you totally don't know where you're headed. Already i am so not where i planned to be at this age, makes me wonder why plan to begin with, they just never go accordingly. and then i find myself fantasizing all the time, just these whirlwind ideas keep floating in my head, how i would love to experience at least one, just for one of my fantasies to come to be would be fabulous, even though they say fantasies are there to give us something to hope for, and that one should never achieve them for achievement would mean there's nothing more to look forward to. whatever! were i to achieve my fantasies i would just spend more time fantasizing of more fantasies. but here i am, not knowing where i'm going or where i'm going to end up, longing for something that everyday i am more convinced will never be mine and just trying to keep my head above water. i'm not going to even stress though, nobody said it would be easy........i wonder why?