Outro

We’ve gotta find peace within
You control what you bring
We’ve gotta heed God's echoing
Before we can let anyone in
We gotta to heal from our past lives
You got wings but unsure how to fly
We’ve gotta let God do his thing
command our hearts to sing
And let love shine in
Let it in
Let it shine within you and I
From here on I’ll take my sweet time
And take it day by day.

Requiem for a Heartbeat

you're the one responsible

for the perceptions i have

you walked into my world

with so many bags and red flags

i was your peace army to calm

your broken, tortured soul

but we can't outrun the past

gotta give up your shadows

all the pain (let it go)

what we reap is what we sow

can't turn back the hands of time

let it go

let it go

it's simple how we both feel (something real?)

challenges they come hard and fast

gotta take the good with the bad

'memba that communication is the key

talk to you and you talk to me please

the feelings i have change with the tide

faith and trust should be our guide

whether slow or fast ride i've learnt

gotta give up my pride to survive

all the pain (let it go)

what we reap is what we sow

can't turn back the hands of time

let it go

let it go

i loved you before i even knew

things change, rearrange and multiply

karma caught up to both of us (no lie)

but there is rebirth, there's a chance inside

life happens so that we could grow

now we are re-con-nec-ted souls

lessons learned the hard way

should still teach though

gotta give up your ego to truly grow

all the pain (let it go)

what we reap is what we sow

like footprints on the sands of time

let it go

let it go

all the pride (i've let it go)

all the lies (i've let it go)

all the pain (i've let it go)

all the rain (i've let it go)

as the sun shines (welcoming)

on wings flying (welcoming)

soaring high (thanking Him)

finally i'm free........free to love me.

Today...

I stand alone but never afraid
Arising from the dark towards the light
Humming sweet lullabies to calm my soul
From the day births a bewitching night.

Injecting reason where it was absent
Through the ups and downs of this opus
Seeing the beauty in the breath of each new day
Dancing off the pain and heartache that enslave us.

I woke up this morning with music in my head
There’s an aria in me of sweet blues and hues
Bumping and grinding to my soul sista’s rhythm
Stretching my hand and my heart out to you.

All the earths and stars come alive
Raindrops knocking on caterpillar’s door
Sweet childbirth of a new spirit and being
Spreading wings into todays and tomorrows.

It would’ve been easy to just walk away
Imperfection staring at me in my mirror’s rue
How can I ask for so many chances from others
And not find the mercy within myself for you?

No picture perfect story on this stage
Reality exists, there’s no hiding place from
I have more to lose by losing you my dear
At the end of the day we are only human.

This thing is times bigger than you and i
Scattering through the realms of eternity’s time
Beautiful is the one who sees the darkest days of another
Acceptance of a gracefully wanting mind.

Your reason was destined before we came to be
You’ve taught my fearless heart how to forgive
I’ve got a lot and so much more within me
So from here on out, through sun and rain
I’ll give.

free fall (racing thoughts crashing together)

today was one of those days that i tried to keep myself busy so i wouldn't have the time to think yet every moment of stillness i had they were still there, my thoughts, my doubts and insecurities, why am i uneasy? so many questions i want answered, answers you want to run away from, but somebody has to give. i've gotta stop my mind......


free fall...
i was falling
why didn't you catch me?
how can you say those words
then let me fall so easily?
i was living my life for you
molding my being around you
and when i stumbled you just watched me
crumple into nothing.

you were never in my original script but i fought my fears, swallowed my pride....when i said i wasn't drawn to you the first time i lied....i'd already let you inside from then. we all got things to hide in the beginning, till that cherry's burst. true colours ...now revealed....all i really want is something real. something to hold onto......i want you to want it too.

simple
uncomplicated
connected
reciprocated
unconditional

i've been there before
but that was so long ago
i can't remember the feeling(s).

i wanna let you in, in...inside
i want you to hold the key to unlocking me
i think i want you to love me
but i don't want you to at the same time.

in a crowded room i see no one but you
you're the first person my bruised heart runs to
how could you be the same one to tear it, break me down
i know i am strong but i can't hold
this door of uncertainty for much longer
i know what i want i just don't know if it's something i need
emotionally too tired to feel.

emptying myself of you yet it's only you who can fill me......

drama (feelings as they come)

it's a burden
feels like every time i try to stand
someone is cutting me down at the knees
please.....please.....i just wanna breathe.
can't a sista get a lil peace
piece of that pie feels like i
been fighting all my life just to get high.
i wish i could give you piece of my mind.
these women know when where and how
at this age you should damn well know by now
like a nail they keep hammering me down
getting weaker the closer i get to the ground.
and now i'm mad at you, why?
i don't know i can't go i can't fly
i...i.....I got wings
still nobody's listening to my inner emptying.
i wish i could really give you a piece of my mind
can't a sista get a lil piece of that pie
can't a sista get a lil peace of mind?
come on, let a sista breathe.....

Peace.

awake when i should be sleeping...

i was just talking to a friend of mine and he asked me if i was happy. coincidence....don't know.

graeme - "are you happy?"
me - "happiness is i don't know"
graeme - "happiness is satisfaction......if your satisfaction is based on an unrealistic standard you will never be happy......make the best of what you have and be satisfied"

easier said than done, but i'll take his word for it, he's one of the wisest men i know and i guess he's found it.

i think i realise why i have been so moody today. i haven't slept in 3 days sigh* it's like my mind just won't stop churning, it's going and going even when i'm dreaming so i wake up at 4 a.m. staring at the ceiling......i need some shut eye. some sound rest. i am blessed so why am i so uneasy?

defining the indefinable

it takes a lot to get me to tear up but this one made me sigh*.....i couldn't even imagine. i am usually anti-marriage but this somehow has given me a glimmer of hope, that IT is possible......

http://www.photosbyknight.com/gray/

i want to believe, i want to want the things that everybody else wants. i want to try but it's hard. i do want to be contented but i don't know which road i must travel in order to get there. the roads. i used to think i knew what would make me happy. like i thought moving into a bigger house would make me happy, nope, just created more space. i thought getting a better car would make me happy but no that didn't work either. then i thought clearing my skin of my acne problem would make me happy but then, your face is clear but you're lacking confidence. so that failed. but then i placed all my bets on a relationship, i said yes a good solid relationship would bring me total and complete joy but those are filled with so many ups and downs that it's hard to even remember where exactly in it i was happy. so i'm back at square one. what is
happiness.....to me?


happiness is
talking to my grandparents on the phone every week-end
walking my dogs on evenings and entertaining them
watching my mother as she dances everywhere possible in the house, going on and on about the cha cha cha
it even used to be you....but that was in the beginning. now, tell me, are you happy?
talking to my girlfriends about everything under the sun
lunch dates with my father when both our schedules are free
traveling to new places, meeting people with good vibrations
listening and reading
enjoying my own company
getting lost in music.....but what happened to the music in me?



imagine i am sitting here trying to get everything that is inside out, trying to write how i feel and i started writing this piece and now nothing. it's like my mind has gone blank and i can't even remember what i was trying to get out. sigh* this morning i felt so high but now i feel down again. stupes, why me?

i wish somebody would tell me the secret.

silicone dolls

i am thin, slim, maaga....however you wanna call it, always been but recently it feels like i'm getting smaller, lesser and we all know what else goes once you lose weight, your butt gets smaller, your boobs shrink (not that i was sporting D's or anything, goodness no, sorry Fay but that's just crazy! smooches :) but everything looks so minuscule but hey i still have my hmmmm, my hmmmmmm, my personality! there ya go. ye, i definitely still have my ego.


silicone dolls
who is it you getting all puffed up for?
changing the form and shape God blessed you with....foolishness!
who is it? who are you supposed to be now?
how will you explain your metamorphosis at the golden gates
the day of judgment awaits......
think! before it's too late.....too late
go on now miss.thang shaking those hips
you paid a pickle for, those stiff hard dimples,
lifeless nipples (i think) or so i imagine
what about your future seed? what food will they feed from?
those numbed up conundrums? come on...miss.too far gone
was it that man who told you you'd look perfect,
if you got them done
he says "i just want something a lil bigger to hold onto"
so you go under the knife re-sculpting your skin left and right
trying to fit the mold of what the mags says
the modern day woman should look like....sike!
ye they fooled you too...it's expensive nowadays to be beautiful
and what of you if this same man leaves....said you'd change into someone different than what he was used too....so what happens to you?
(when everything starts to droop)
silicone girls with their botox shots and what's not
how could you? how dare you? age with grace
you are more than your face.
what about a personality upgrade? one that you ain't even gotta pay for
one deep rooted in faith, over-flowing with positive energy and confidence
oooh, men are scared of those kinda ladies aren't they?
next time you think about getting a bigger behind...try expanding your mind
read your Bible, make it your daily bread
it's in this materialistic world that such fallacies are bred
use your head instead of your appendages
and you'll draw a man who sees that
beauty lasts for only a time
for a true woman of God has a beautiful mind.

something real

i had a prayer session with Kevin on friday. imagine that. that was the first time we really sat down and spoke in depth since we parted ways back in 2005. what a year that was. it's so strange, you always say if you had that one person right in front of you you would say to him/her everything you ever wanted to say to them and then they're right there, looking into your eyes and you say nothing. i guess we've both moved past each other, plus it wasn't really the right scene anyhow, we met up to talk about God, still, i remember our times....wrote something about him a day back in 2007 when i was in a pondering mood i thought of him.......

kevin
the hardest part was walking away from you
not looking back, but you left me with little choice
if only you hadn't given up on me, on us.
sometimes i wonder if i'd be better off if we still were
you made me feel so secure, never a doubt
i knew it was me running across your mind all the time
the time we spent was timeless but maybe we moved too fast?
i don't know yet i was so sure
when i met you, i thought this was it
i allowed myself to feel complete even before our second date
when i laughed it was genuine and when you smiled it was golden
the pain i felt when it was over wasn't new, i'd felt pain like that before
yet somehow it was more bittersweet as i knew i'd never meet anyone like you again.
i wish you'd given us a chance, and even though i've moved on
i can't help but think sometimes.....things would be easier with you
but my pride got in the way and now we're just strangers online
saying hi from time to time. and i wonder on you. i miss you.
certain songs always remind me of you......
it's like you're still there, wandering around in my subconscious
it bothers me sometimes, but i've come to live with how we are.
and how we will never be.

crashing (thoughts and words as they come)

been feeling so many things recently, using this time to get it out, my body and mind were weakening....emptying. but today i feel so positive about the future. i feel so good, i started reading this really good book and i'm getting some introspection. it's hard sometimes not to let situations change you but i will always try to remain true to myself. i am a great person and i have a lot to give. so i'll give it.

my mother asked me about love this morning, love.....what is love? i don't know what that is. some people call it love, i like to call it.......


crashing
there are different depths of it
more than what lies on the surface of things
layers and layers of deeper connections
some physical, some mental,
intellectual (yum), emotional, spiritual
can be as wide as your imagination allows
for it has no boundaries, like an abyss, it's endless
razor sharp and needle eyed it survives
even when you've stopped giving
it is soft and hard at the same time no actual state of being. it is.
the most expensive toy in the collection or
that old memento that you really don't need but still keep.
it is deep or shallow or however you want it
and it changes for each and every person
everyday it ages and sheds its skin
what will it be today?

Essences...

if you were a colour
you'd be all the tints of the rainbow
red, blue, orange and yellow.

you'd be like colours
i've never seen or even thought of
simply stated, you'd be the colour of love.

i'd see yours flaws and
still think you're flaw-less
for those scars made you who you are, worthy of an exhibit, no less.

if you were a smell
your perfume would be of sweet caramel tones
of honey combs, sugar coats and cinnamons.

your scent would feed
a burning desire and send chills to the bone
you'd be like the warm scent of home.

a aura that would warm
cold hearts and melt non-believers' ice
bring a quieting heart back to life.

a sound,
what sound would you be?
you'd be the warm voice of my grandfather
with me bouncing on his knee.

as smooth as the piano
as gripping as the guitar
your sound would write scores and provide lyrics to a choir.

an echo that travels
to the depths of the ocean and up to unreachable peaks
lift me high enough to kiss God upon his cheek...if you were a sound.

a taste of syrupy sugarcane
of honey mauby and champagne
your flavour would bewitch my spirit and i'd bask in the taste of it.

leaving me tongue-tied
every swallow a closer taste of heaven's clouds
a taste that would even make my forefathers proud.

and if i could touch you
two beings connected completely
i could mold your imagery in my finger tips so it
would be imprinted in my memory.

i would touch every crevice
seek every hidden treasure
run my hands over the courses of your aura
hoping to touch your heart measure.

never letting go
a crash that from me passion evokes
feeling the magnetism in every stroke
hitting all the right notes
of my inner and outer yoke.

you are appealing to my senses
possesseing all the right essences
leaving me breathless, tearing down these fences....and walls too

i better stay a way from you....

pieces of me

i had a love once
that lifted me higher than the sky
that ran from earth to pluto and beyond
like infinity's marathon
softer than any baby's palm
that was as pure and untouched as a virgin.

i had a love once
that made me feel so complete
that missed me even before i had one foot out the door
man that was so hardcore
that spoke of me fondly with friends and family
that never let me down even when it seemed like i was asking for the impossible.

i had a love once
that was as sweet as the sweetest sugarcane
as romantic as the sunset evening yet
as comforting as the summer rain
that made my heart beat so loud it felt like
the ground was shaking when i saw him
that made me not want for anything.

looking back on that love
that was like my daily bread, my reason to be
that read my mind as easily as if he'd thread my being
as if he were the architect of its design
that knew what i wanted before i even asked
and went to the ends to get whatever
that everyday.....just kept getting better
that was indeed like my better half......

.....i miss that love.

maaga's song

music is her soul singing
so she turns the music louder
to get some lyrical up-lifting.

been spending more time
with people giving good vibrations
using words to paint her mind's unique creations.

their energies feed
the needs that blaze inside
she could walk to the moon and back on this high.

listening.....

to the elements
the wind blowing, the roaming water
birthing an ever burning lava hot catcha' fire.

words, lyrics
poets, music and sound
fill her with the sweet blues from all around.

and her soul
re-connected to the life in the air
God is filling her cup with each passing year.

with blessings.

with a dose of love
a dose of harmony in her heart
His handiwork can only be described as a work of art.

and a splash of yellow
a splash of red, green and blue
life seen through new eyes see you different too.

there is a why
there's what, where and who
there are long winding, zebra bending, roadblock lending, pot-hole bumping, u-turn mending roads that lead her back to you.

sorrys and realizations

what does it mean...sorry?
a word meant to erase pain?
come again.....sorry you found out
what i'm really about? apologizing for old scars?
(you don't even know who you really are,
your mind and your soul are at war)
we've all got em (scars), ain't nothing new to your hide
difference is you wear your lies on the outside
(me i wear my pride)
that's how i knew. so sorry won't do this time
not another rhyme on how you made me feel (freal)
i gotta find a way to heal......forgive? sorry.....
usually followed with hollow promises
that seem appropriate at the time...but
have very short life lines once things have cooled down.
so what does it mean...sorry?
a word, a phrase to make something broken whole again?
like a band-aid to a torn spirit....plastic?
the truth of a man can be the sweetest sound
but now all i hear are distant echoes of when the truth was around......barely breathing.
then i gotta hide from everyone to avoid the questions.....
girl you been crying? where's your glow?
where's that rainbow that used to be
following you round like a shadow?
(yea, damn! where did he go?.....come back home)
i don't care to talk it out, or get it out, i don't know
but i know i shouldn't keep it inside, a sorta ambivalent ride.
i know i am stronger than this. i know i am.
but something keeps boiling in ma' heart
knew you was a troubled man from the start
but that drew me in so i am guilty of being curious.

you keep searching but you don't know what you're looking for......
you keep running from the scars you've made and the ones that are......still there.
deal with them my dear. deal with them.

everyone can't be a hero, someone needs to be rescued
and that is you babe....that is you. now i'm seeing it's you.

writer's block

how do i put into words
the feeling of total and complete quiet?
stillness of the soul, so to speak
what was it i was really seek-ing?

the juices.....dried up?
the feelings....numbed up?
the racing thoughts....tired?
the hunger to write.....retired?

moving at a pace faster
than the mind could possibly grasp
the point of (emptiness)
has come at last.

bittersweet.

i'm left feeling
strange, like someone else
yet this quiet seems so much
better for my health

i....can't...... describe
....the....relief.....
felt.....like...my....sanity....
was.....kidnapped.....by.....a...thief

yet i yearn to write
i have this burning to express
the outer, inner depths
of my loneliness.

it's hard to comprehend
from a distance but
i am walking on the tightrope
of my existence.

there is an irony though
coming through in my smile
this writers block may be the best thing
that's happened to me in a while.

open letter

i feel different every minute
every hour a different mood
it's hard being a woman trying to love a man
undernourished so yes, i'm hungry
hungry for the attention you lather on others so graciously
it's not that i don't wanna work it out
it's not that i don't wanna give us a chance
but i've never heard of third chances???
countless excuses and psycho babble
i'm looking for a man, a strong man
who understands the meaning of commitment
understand, young yam? or young'n. young man.
i've been feeling so many things, can't get it out
where do i even begin..betrayed, afraid (to name a few)
it is worth it me hanging onto you?
(remember i forgave you back then too)
next time i decide to try love i think i'll need a document
some letter of agreement that we are in it
for the same reasons. reasons....i need you (or do i?)
i have to let these words speak for me
around you i hide my tongue
so scared to let you know (we don't belong?)
scared too, to start over with someone new
i was kinda getting used to the colour blue
history repeats itself in a different hue
but now i feel different again
i feel like you should bow before me
you are in the presence of ro-yal-ty, something extraordinary
a soul with so much to give, she's over-flowing with it
whatever it is she has it, twice over
yet again feelings change as quickly as the pendulum swings
addicted to what relationships bring but
i've been feeling so many things, strange.
the thing is....i know i'm worth it
i remember how good it felt, feels
seems so long ago though, i hope it was, is real (freal)
so tired, perspiring from the cold
should i stay or should i go?
i am emptying.

closet blues

something in my heart died tonight
and now i feel strange................
now i feel like i can live again, strange.
my inner screams found their voice
and i shouted so loud they put me out the room
it is soon. soon forward. soon come back.
however you wanna phrase it, soon i will have
the courage to never look back. soon.
what will become of you? soon.
something died in my heart tonight
i couldn't even shed a tear, not even two
i feel so free for once i thought about me (and not you)
you you you suck the life source of my energy
you drain the water of life that sustains me
you are always breaking...me....open
but no more. soon. i am leaving soon.

sitting in the waiting room at Scarlet's (for Kelly, Alieka and especially Donele)

there she sat
little black girl
on the little black bench
only black girl in the room
awkwardly alone
there she sat, unnoticed
as they hustled on by
talking bout their trips to Milan
as they puff on their cancer sticks with puffed up silicone lips
laughing like they have no cares in the world
and leaving her out of the joke
there she sat wondering
why does she care?
she's just waiting....
waiting on her friends to show up
yet it's a little lonely here
she looks up, hoping to catch an eye
but the eyes looking at her face seem to see through her transparency
probably admiring the picture behind her back
little black woman
bored outta her mind
why can't her friends ever be on time?
then......
she hears a 'hello'
some old man smiling at this goddess of a woman
probably just wondering if she's offering some easy snatch
hmmm, that's wrong of her to assume
he might actually want her for her mind
who knows, he was gone as fast as he came
guess he was only being polite.......site.
little black girl
looking down at her watch
tired of waiting, feeling violated
in this black and white movie scene
she gets up to leave but then
they finally come running in "van, sorry to be late but we............"

African Subconscious

i feel....to fly
cause i.....am looking to the sky
and i....can't lie...i ...am...feeling...high
i am.....a spiritual butterfly
yes, with straightened hair
but that don't make me any less
of an African heir....ya see
my Africanism boils in the blood that runs on the inside
and that ain't nothing i can ever hide......or run from
for my existence dates back to when time begun
when God created......woman......
a woman beautiful and black
with the strength to outlive any racial, mental or spiritual attack
from the tones of my skin to my big 'behind
i represent the alpha and omega of my time
and all this talk bout my natural fruits
i can't morph into my Africanism as i suit....it
is always with me even if i don't open it
what i am is what i am and i ain't running from it
i am proud to be the colour of when the clock strikes midnight
the colour of the rich soil that feeds this black life
of coffee beans, coal stones and roast breadfruit
i am all the colours of Joseph's multicolour suit
so don't be confused or amused
with all this chatter bout my roots
i am as sure of myself as Gabby was about boots
i am.......
Harriet Tubman, Betty Shabazz, Maya Angelou, Iris Mayers
i am here to silence all the gossipers and naysayers
that spread propaganda and illicit affairs
about the lack of Africanism my hairstyle bears
but it is here and it ain't going nowhere.

beauty is only skin deep, too much focus on the physical
our bodies are only temporary cocoons enclosing the spiritual...soul
behold! i present to you an ambitious black queen
who possesses eyes that see where her ancestors have been
and knows that the day will soon come
when we will all be trodding back to the motherland......soon come.
so.....
i ain't got to jump round and prance round de stage like DJ :)
orrapitsofastyouhavetostraintohearwhatisay...... :)
like Adrian....i gon live my life inna sorta way
that even from a distance you can see where my roots lay.
For Africanism is also state of mind
it is living legends that run through this poetic bloodline
Africa represents the earth, all its riches, the being behind the strong black man
as everything i know derives from the soul of a black woman
from the seeds, the winds, life and everything it brings
all stand at attention when a black woman sings.
i breathe in my history, it seeps through every pore
it breeds in the mind of this humble negro
and this knowledge once attained will never depart from me
it bides in my mind's eye and in that part of me......
that exists even when i am not even aware or cautious
ever-present is my African subconscious.
and with this knowledge i am never alone
and like you, i deserve my place too on that African throne.


(the dopest ethiopian)