sunset lows (i catch when you throw)

i am SCREAMING
in my sound proof room
my soul is pining for you
i can't breathe i can't live i can't be
i can't wake i can't talk i can't eat
i feel weak
i feel like my core is dying
there's no reason why i should be crying
there is no reason why i should be losing sleep
a friend once said 'speak what you seek'
do you know how those words affect me?
well i can't say it any louder
i want to be free for us to be
these are the days of our lives
but i feel like i'm down to my last life line
the beats of my heart are bumping outta tune
and my tears are over-flowing and flooding out the room
and i screamed all last night in my sleep
and you're lying next to me yet you didn't hear me weep
i could as well spend my nights alone
where the sun's rays hit and the moonlight's shone
cause if you can't rescue me then who
i don't want to start drifting a way from you
i know i want you and i know what i need
but i need your energy on which to feed
i need your strength to help keep my spirit alive
it is your rock on which i scribe
i need you i choose you i feel you
i need you to need me and feel me too
how else can i say what is real in my heart
this war is slowly bleeding my art
and i'm afraid of moving on without you....

IS?

is it the way you smile when i walk in the room?
is it the way you bring life to my spirit and soul?
it is the way you take control of my mood and shift me to a brighter attitude?

is it you?

is it you that wakes me up in the morning to live a new day?
is it you that challenges me and takes me to higher planes?
is it you that listens and never gets tired of my complaints?

is it you?

that has the power to move hills and mountains?
that commands the waters that run in rivers and fountains?
that gives life to every living thing and living being?
that i believe in though i've never seen?

ye it must be..

the God of the valley
the bright and morning star
you are everywhere and in everything
giving me the spiritual energy to bring joy to my sadness
and hope to my wavering, wandering being.

lovEBound

i am hungry
i am thirsty for you
i am breathing you....in and out
of my mouth. you know what i'm talking 'bout
it's about you and how you make me do
all the things i said i won't do again
quenching this desire that's been burning
yearning...to break free
i can't describe the ways in which you fill me
damn! i think you got me
spinning tumbling mumbling
i'm stuttering for you
i sure hope you feel it too
cause it takes two.

new script (ahmissya)

i choose you, that's why i'm here
what more must you understand?
they're no second motives, no masterplan
stop listening to soothsayers and gypsies
don't get caught up in the he said she said disease
please, lemme breathe, let us breathe and receive what we deserve.
it's like we're fighting a war just to be
then we turn the tension inside
you call me bossy, sassy and all kinds of adjectives
i'm not trying to run your life brotha
i'm not trying to be your mother but
my voice deserves to be heard sometimes.
we are living under these eyes, the judge and the jury
we are choking in our space and creating inner anarchy
it's been a while since i saw the sun in you
it's been a while since we let the light shine through
let's get back to that you and me cloud nine high.
i chose you and you only. let's get back to where we should be
when our hearts were pure and our love was new
i miss you...

6 minutes after sundown

this is not how
i thought it would be
you see that girl
standing in the corner
looking all melancholy
and you wonder....
who is she?

"hi, i'm sadness wrapped in my bosom
with hopelessness in my smile.
i am forgotten dreams and ambition too,
nice to meet you!"

she's tired
depends on silly sitcoms to laugh
she's breathing but only barely hanging in
she loves chocolate and long walks on the beach for miles
but recently she'd just be happy to smile...

she keeps on...

you're so close to me
i can feel your heartbeat pounding in my back
yet we're light years from where we should be
and though you're so near i can feel you breathe,
tonight i feel lonely.

so i put on some music to sing my blues
hoping my rhythm reaches you, that my words move you
and that you open your eyes and see our reality.

see the emptiness that lies within me. see the woman you created.

you're so close to me
yet my voice echoes when i call your name
distracted. tell me, what do you want from me?
tell me what you want me to do and i'll do it. what you want me to
make i'll make it, create it mold it. but i can't hold on much longer
less i fake it. i am lonely.

can you hear me? can you understand? i see these sistas
getting good loving from their man and i go damn!
i want some. its been too long i been here. too long.

so i turn the music loud to drown out my blues
and i'm bluesin' tonight over you over us and over what we aren't
closing my rhythm from you for you are proving to me
day by day that i can do better.

you're so close to me
i can feel your brown skin on my brown skin
but now my spirit is dying as we're ending.
i know this is what i want, what i need
but that doesn't stop the pain in my chest that is
my soul bleeding.

tomorrow i will start to move on but tonight
i have my tears to cry me to sleep.

for Fay.

i want the sun to shine on you.....

i want a man who's gonna meet me at the door with some green tea, gently massage my feet while i put on some Marvin Gaye....

i want a man who's gonna go out and work hard for bread for the table, talk about God like they were working side by side and knew each other intimately....

i want a man who's not gonna play and not gonna let disrepectin' sistas get in the way of what we both feel, freal, i want something real....

i want a man who's gonna love me unconditionally, whole-heartedly, spiritually, mentally, intellectually and all other words i can use to describe good love.....

and i want a man who's gonna walk next to me as i grow to become the God fearing woman i am meant to be knowing that my man gets me, understands me and supports me and that we are headed in the right direction....

that's all i want...
that's all i want.

why (I rhyme)

i don't have to rhyme
it's just the energy it gives me, to try to find matching words for that space in time ignites what was once dormant inside.

i don't have to rhyme
seriously, not all the time but i just always imagine myself on my guitar playing sweet songs that carry a rhyming imagery and it fills me.

i really, don't have to rhyme
it's just hard to describe what this writing tip does to me. it's like an orgasmic release leaving me wanting more and more no lie, it's hardcore, sometimes leaves me sore.

i don't need to rhyme
honestly, but asking me not to would be like depriving me of something that comes to me naturally. would be like depriving me of my right to breathe, would be like denying me my reason to live. i write because i believe in me

i rhyme because...

threads..

i miss the memory of you....

i miss the sun shining on my blues, cascading shadows off my back onto earth's surface...

i miss the sound of my laughter echoing to beyond evoking laughter amongst the rhythm of the tress...

i miss the smell of the subway on an early morning rush hour and the warm scent of bagels and cream cheese.

i miss going to school and feeding my brain, socializing with friends and limes..

i miss my football times...

i miss the colours of the sunset, yellow, orange and red that signals another day's end and the beginning of night time. i never really took the time to notice you....

i miss tattoos....

i miss the butterflies in my stomach at the sight of a lover whose hands i've anticipated all day....daydreaming...running down my back and over the course of my body.

i miss the chocolate kisses my auntie's been telling me about.

i miss the feeling of security and confidence that carried me on the wings of love but now i feel like i can't trust a soul.

i miss that good old soul music..stead of all this commercial sh*t....some of that grown folks music as my father likes to call it.

i miss the beginning...

i miss not knowing you intimately....ye i definitely miss the unknown.

i miss making love, i mean that good love that crippled me at the knees, made me beg please brotha, please gimme more, sweat dripping through every pore...magnetism! and i knew it was right. i miss that good love feeling.

i miss seeing you with undoubting eyes but i've seen so many lies and love flies that they too are wavering, seems like i can't trust my vision.

i miss the threads that made up my artistry...busy threading for other somebody's but what about me? i too have dreams....

i miss scrabble night, ambitious thoughts and theories.

i miss bedtime stories and getting tucked in at night that was the essence of an era of innocence.

i miss the look of love in cut off jeans and challenges.

i miss friendships.....

i miss you running around in my mind all day.

i miss you sometimes but i will always have our memories.

i miss my family; the ties that broke me down still bind me and flows in the blood inside me.

i miss flying free, i miss the music that stirred my soul, i miss losing control and being, seeing, learning, growing, flowing, 'vibsing, liming, dreaming...i miss me.

i miss everything.....
i miss everything.

cHanGeS

been making changes.....
taking my time, taking it easy
getting to know myself a lil more intimately
reintroducing myself to the woman i was before i stepped off that plane. (damn! she's changed)

for the better.

been making changes.....
learning how to enjoy my own company
realizing that i gotta walk before i can stand
and it will always be in his time not mine as i live by His hand.

still trying to change....
learning to love again, mind, soul and body
giving and not receiving and it don't even bother me
see, i am learning that i will get what is mine, when it's right and when it's ripe so i don't mind y'all.....i'll wait my time.

been making these changes.....
not sure what i'm looking to find
some say hope, some say joy, some say peace of mind
but i've come to realize the beauty in getting up when i fall and the most important lesson of all is, i can't expect a good man to love me if i don't.....

.....set my soul on fire with music
.....juice up my mind with rhymes
.....glorify Him and my blessings
.....be the woman i want to be in life
.....fill my cup till it overflows
.....fill my heart with joy until it bursts
.....and nothing will ever be truly mine if i don't

if i don't
if i don't love me
First.

I Choose

today....
i'm taking it slow, enjoying every day in my own time. taking the time to feel the wind blowing on my face, feeding off of positive energies. school children crossing everyone hustling 'bout their day but uh uh not me, i'm taking it intimately. watching. the leaves fall from the trees and settle on the ground. i am running in the sun hoping to get sunburn. yes i have a lot to learn from this universe if i just listen, if i just enjoy each second, if i enjoy each groove, i too can learn new moves, new attitudes, new moods, i too can be like the wind. traveling, searching, seeking you out in every corner, no hiding place from the invisible. enjoying today cause they're no promised tomorrows, enjoying today cause i can't go back in time and it no longer haunts me. i've broken free and it feels good. i'm living as i should. i'm that mocha butterfly they never thought would spread her wings but she's been listening. i'm that trigger waiting, ready to be released but only to shoot peace. i am coming and going and living as i please, i'm that song you can't get outta your head i'm that memory that hangs around uninvited. i'm that noise you keep hearing in your ear, i am here, there and everywhere and i'm enjoying their company. if i could turn back the hands of time i wouldn't change a thing, i know i am here for a reason and today.....
i'm taking it slowly, letting the good vibes flow from me, enjoying each day in my own time cause i'm not in a hurry, i'm taking the time to feel the wind blowing on my face, surpassing my every expectation and looking beyond the surface, a winner even if in last place....
today i choose happiness.

musings music (part II)

i had a conversation last night with the man of my dreams......

he said he was intrigued by my intellectual scene
so he took out a book and read verses to me
mentally massaging my mind with rhythm and rhyme
and i just sat there and got lost in the story of his words.

he said he wanted to explore my physical
wanted to run his lips down my physique
till he got lyrical mouthfuls. his hands were soft
silky, so soothing i think i feel asleep as his touch
made me weak, kinda skin deep.

(ye , that good)

he shook me....
and asked me 'bout my emotional side
said he could see the dried tears in my eyes i
was ashamed at first to show him my pains
but he said "baby girl, to get where we're going
we gotta look at where we been"
i started glowing at the thought of opening to him,
to someone new, softly he said "i'm emotionally connected to you"
phew, so it's not just me.

he said with confidence
"i'm looking for a woman that's sexy spiritual,
who's not afraid to get on her knees and pray
who believes in miracles (it's a miracle i found you babe)
whose imperfections are ever-flowing with life lessons
a soul that recognizes that God is always in control
even in bad weather". without shame i replied
" you found that kinda woman right here, look no further".
i quivered at hearing a man talk about God so passionately.

he whispered those words to me
that was like sweet music to my air
he is the pure filter in my chaotic atmosphere.
he settles me, sustains me and he is letting that record play
play it say it anyway you like it...i wanna hear.
he....he....has me open for the world to see

and i'm addicted to him
i get distracted when he's talking just thinking 'bout him
i don't know what it is i got but i don't wanna lose it
musings music is like the breaths pumping into
this heartbeat play.

muse. (to all the people, places and things in my atmosphere that guides and inspires my air......thank you)

you give and i receive
i can't breathe if you don't beat
like parallel souls parallel rhythms parallel minds
we must've been sistas in another lifetime.

like my writing spar
i catch when you throw
sending me back to the drawing board
to write and re-formulate my verbs and adverbs
word.

waxing pen to paper
the only instruments i abuse
like a metaphor and simile fuse
you must've been the tenth daughter of Mnemosyne and Zeus
muse.

closing my eyes (to see you)
closing my mind (just to hear you)
hoping that you're listening too
to my inspirational yet contradictive blues.

i am learning through you.

you are....
bringing the game higher
making spoken word flyer, sista you're
making me step up to your plane
thinking, dreaming, believing, we're one and the same
i will continue to grow, i will forever listen to your sound
for your are the lyrics, words and music in my songs.

thank you.

LOVE.

you gotta take your time
gotta take it slow
gotta have a lil patience
and give love the room to grow
you gotta...
nurture it
respect it
breathe it
feed it

you gotta...
reflect it
water it
walk it
you gotta...
talk to it

love needs...
emotions
injections
unconditional-ism
intellectualism

love seeks...
duality
spirituality
understanding
acceptance

take your time Love
let love find it's wings
let it find the courage to sing
let it be the reason for your becoming
and you will be overflowing with the joy it brings.

I know I am.....

Beautiful...(sistasoul)

you are in the seeds of the soil that birthed this earth
your womb has carried the weight of this universe
you are the rhythm in R&B and the poetry in jazz
you are all the beats and bars that music has
you are....
the quiet storm when the noise of this world gets too loud
for you are individual.......even in a crowd
sista, tell me, what is the colour of your soul?
is it as blue as the oceans and as priceless as gold?
how is it you always sound so good whenever you sing
is your voice that of the highest Seraphim?
you have cried the endless tears of your men and your children
sacrificing your life so they could have a fruitful beginning
you are the in ending of my favourite lullaby
you are the God in my heart and the gospel in my eye
all the emotions and thoughts of a human being
you give me that soul power to light the dark in my seeing
feeding me with the confidence to recognize i am only human
stumbling, loving, falling, rising, i am every woman
i am proud to walk next to you, proud to step in your shoes
cause you are raising the bar the closer i get to you
constantly leaving your footprints for others to aspire to
i am readjusting the light just to get a better view
for you are the reasons behind my cocoa rich spirituals
sista soul you are a mother, a sister, a friend...

....and you are beautiful.

dis brotha'

...ripped my heart out with his rhyme
damn! we used to have good times
memories cross my mind now and again
i just couldn't help the way i felt 'bout him
here i go driving down memory lane....
thinking back on those sexy times
when i wanted lemonade he was my lime
gave me a dollar when all i needed was a dime
damn! he was so fly, so fine
we used to have the best of times
recently been wondering how he spends his time -
and with who, now that our present is the past
memories jumping out at me in old photographs
our lives together were like the indentations in new paragraphs
he could as easily as with a silly face evoke a laugh
i was the free thought ingenue, he was witty half
thinking back on it i know we couldn't last
was feeling like a caged bird wings growing fast
and him being stifled by the shadows he'd cast
but damn! we sure did have a blast!
we sure did have great times
sometimes i miss him and his rhymes.

dis brotha' was part of my becoming.

SoulBrotha'

i want you to be everything you set your mind to

i want you to work hard and be fruitful
i want us to nurture a love that will never fade and
i don't want to be punished for the mistakes others have made
i want you to wax poetic and move me with your words
i want you to speak to me with a tongue others ain't never heard
i want you to be open, honest, seek and fear God too
we don't have promised tomorrows but he is waiting for you
to be the beautiful man he created in his own image
recognizing the race is also for those who finish
i want to see the light with you and let us walk towards it
i want you to admit when you're wrong and wear the cap if it fit
i want you to be brave for others but show your weaknesses to me
and me only, see, i'm trying to be as clear as i can honestly be
speaking in a language we both can read
cause i don't want to be misunderstood
baby, if you love me right i'll forever love you as i should
and finally....
i want you to be the kind of man i can grow to depend on
just stay by my side, breathe me let our dreams collide and
let two become one....

....in soul.

Peace.

Intro

I am learning,
Learning everyday
Learning in a special way
Learning through the joy and pain
Learning through the sun and rain
Learning from the crown on my nose
Learning to the soul of my toes
I am sexy spiritual, hopeless emotional and deep intellectual and
I am learning that I am beautiful, yeah I am beautiful.

Thank you for creating me.