reasons

i need you...
like the sand needs the colour of the sun
like the rain forest needs the beautiful Amazon
like the waters need the dawning horizon
like a trigger needs a loaded gun.

like a child suckling a mother's nipple
like a helping hand out-stretched to a cripple
like a touch on the sleeve so the blind can see
like the rich soil needed to plant a tree, after a tree

like our God gave us the gift of life
like a husband who needs a good wife
like an unimaginable, unbreakable kinda bond
like a solid rock i can always lean on

like....
like i need you to need me
like i need you to be my energy
like i need air to breathe
i need you.

.....utopia......

Diving head first
into this sea of love
No life jacket, risking it all
just cause.

Cause i like the feeling
that comes with giving this a try
Though second chances, heart-broken romances
had left me dry.

But it's strange how these emotions
that we shared on the low
Came to the surface, found a home
now, continue to grow.

Into a bond (I think) but
my mind sometimes can't reconcile -
The past loves who lied and cheated
taking me for a wild ride.

Then i compare your actions to their style, I know I am wrong.

But it took me awhile
to see the lessons in those songs
I should hold onto you love
'stead of pushing you along.

You're hanging on though, I appreciate that.

On this spiritual journey
distractions at every turn
It's hard to stay the path
when our bodies have these yearn-ings.

And me, coming full circle
from the girl I used to be
Sometimes old friends and colleagues
don't even recognize me.

Now I am a woman.

And you, fresh off the press
soaking me up for so long
More than a friend, a lover to me
you've become my spirit song.

I'm not ashamed or afraid anymore
to express how i truly feel
Haven't come this far gone
to let others steer my wheel.

Our change begat a change in us
that is directing this journey
like ebony to ivory
though we're different in melody
somehow, love has found the key.

Thank you for being.

miXeD mEssAGes.

it was my third eye
that saw the lie and my
heart has turned cold,
too old for this

love is blind indeed
clouded by greed and what i thought
i needed.

keep listening to what they want
what's best for me, in their minds
but i wouldn't mind my privacy.

lying here alone
I, I, I moan my situation
yet i haven't moved on.

where yours ends mine begins
our worlds intertwined
but we've stopped listening
to each other now
for some time.

like mimes we exist
sending these telepathic messages
like some old cloth trying to re-stitch
but why?

i don't know how i should fly
but
i'll answer your questions
when you answer mine.

untitled (a testimony)

i think i was........five
bursting with innocence and life
when he asked my mother to be his wife
excitement grew, at the thought of forming a family
ya see, my father left when i was only a baby.
(he wasn't ready for me, yet?)

on her wedding day, dressed in my flower dress
friends and family decked in their sunday best
there to witness, the joining of two souls
or what should be i guess
there was such a thing as destiny
or so i believed.

they said their "I do's", i ran down the aisle
happiness showing on the face of an innocent child
then came the house, the pets, a family conceived
"forever I do" were words meant to deceive,
a child.

naive.

so long ago,
hard to remember the beginning
i remember playing, i remember swaying
his musical side intrigued me
like a mirror, looking at him hoping to see me reflected
music became something we shared, our song, me and he.

always reminded i had a father
(a father who loved me just as unconditionally)
and a daddy.
hmmm, not sure what that made me, no complaints
i know some who had neither, i was blessed i figure.

those terrible teens, reared their ugly head
tensions growing, brewing my homestead
i grew distant, guess i wasn't in favour of his doctrines
started to compare the differences between my father and him,
my daddy.

i loved him.....

....like we were kin
but i just couldn't understand how this man i'd looked up to for so long suddenly became a foreign being,
to me.

"ef you knew de tings you fada put you mudda through, you wud neva be up unda he so!"
still, i couldn't let go, i was drawn.....pulled......to my father.
can anyone understand that feeling?

confused.

always in the middle, it felt sometimes
a father and daddy with two different disciplines
the questions i started to ask only made me more unglued
and the tensions that grew mum couldn't diffuse.

by the time he left we were barely speaking
i felt as though.......in the pit of my stomach.....i hated him!
yet still when she told me he would never be coming back
i mourned like a mother at a graveside over a child, i cried
he was like the leader of our pack

bittersweet memories.

it took him leaving,
to realize how much i'd miss him
cause he was there for me from day one
18 years later we were back were we'd begun
the two of us, me and my mum.

those were sad times.

years later,
he's remarried
beautiful wife, two loving sons
without me?

with me.

he has never let go
his leaving preceded our growth
i believe this is how we were meant to sow
through it all he's never stopped loving me
and ye, i must admit, i still call him daddy
now, finally, i get to be a big sister.
sorta.

this is my testimony.

high life (just passers by)

picture it
you and I, juxtaposed
from our toes
up.

dim lights
music low
bodies lying
in dark shadows.

moving rhythmically
hardcore melodies
swelling......
in, out.....in, out
my body.

souls meeting
music beating
sweat running
down.....
my love cushion.

(i giggle)

hums.....
low and high (oh my)
moans and groans
euphoric explosions draws nigh.

love's cocoon
bursts seeds
in my soft,
awaiting womb.

fingers entwined
yours in mine
culminating,
this last grind.

lying low
in the afterglow
of lovers juxtaposed
from the toes.

thursday mornings......

cloud nine tripping
cell phone ringing
heartbeats racing
guitar beats pacing
underarm sweating
pulse nerve wrecking
head still a-spinning
mind, body a-tingling
bubble gum blowing
happiness glowing
melancholy bluesin'
whenever i'm leavin'
must be a blessing
you are the lesson
and i am listening
to your sermon.

looking glass

uneven symmetry
force feeding mentally
bi-partisan bigotry
raving homosexuality
transmitting sexually
all over rapidly
like an allergy
spreading ferociously
abnormal pathology
government deceivingly
revisiting slavery
potential catastrophe
engulfing this country
and we effortlessly
accepting this chemistry
examining figuratively
and not realistically
living too liberally
threading too lightly
for fear of anarchy
handicapped mentally
producing negative energy
to this genetic biology
that separates us ethically
skin deep dichotomy
splits us negatively
as we swim gaily
in this bellowing cacophony.

burnt/out

i am trying to synchronize my feelings with yours
i've bent my back as far as i can for you already
what more do you want from me?
what more can i possibly give that still wouldn't be enough
i am soon nearly on the verge of giving up......

i am constantly worrying about what you will do next
this is just not the way for me to live anymore
my heart races thinking of the endless possibilities
i just can't bear the thought of this happening to me again
i'm not perfect but damn! i am trying believe me
is this what i deserve? i'm on the verge.......

i just wish i could live a lil more carefree
i just wish i could trust you completely
i just wish that you make me feel like you're full of me
yet still hungry for more
would a pound of flesh be the ultimate sacrifice
my heart and soul i have left to give
but this burning on earth is not how i wanna live.

free spirit

i am a peace seeker
the cool and the calm
i am a heart healer
i am that soothing balm

i am the spirit speaker
of words and divine wisdom
i am piercingly glowing,
growing towards his kingdom

i am a humble martyr
i come before you on my knees
i am the quiet listener
to those in solitude and in need

I am the Most High, El Shaddai
The Beginning, the end and everything thereafter
All that there was and ever will be
I am what I am, the ever-living Father.

"to pull a branch of a tree" (a verse for Darfur)

I shed a tear today, for the children of Darfur
overcome by the images of starvation and broken souls
and bones of God's children taken down in cold blood
not given a chance to live life as they should.

I try to understand the pain etched in tears
dying at three....four......five and six years
the blood soaked hands from leaving loved ones behind
hangings on the violence and disease vine.

my brothers and sisters, you are my kin
displaced from your homes for the sake of cleansing?
walking down the long roads of uncertainty's time
nightly raids and separation from your bloodline

from your seed, taken! sent off to training sins
learning to savagely kill someone else's children
guns and ammunition replacing books and pencils
messages of death and hate are your eating utensils.

Arab and African dichotomy, how does this fit?
aren't these deviations from God's blueprint?
I know, I know, I shouldn't dare question Him
but I am begging, pleading, for some understanding.

I need the answers to this senseless killing
my hope in mankind is slowly lessening
from Imus, to Jena and this damned war
fighting for oil I hear, and what of weapons of mass destruction?

when the ills of Africa are killing my brethren
when the soil of Africa is slowly eroding
blackening, from bloodshed and senseless slashing
my brothers and sisters' spirit fading......fading......fading.

but still chanting those freedom songs, (Amalda!)

my children of Darfur I will cry with you
as blood red rivers run beyond a thousand miles continues
repatriation waits just around the corner mile
as mass graves give life to new soil....

from new soil births new beginnings
God's children fear not! for he is listening
And so am I, I will never stop praying
I must spread hope's message for a peaceful ending.

mona lisa.

Starting out as a lump of sand
that you toss right and left in your hand
wondering, how you will bring to life your master plan
of your imagery of what I should be.

The vision can sometimes seem unclear,
adding water here and there to soften the texture,
the grandmaster of this whole scheme says you should mold it... this way but so many temptations on layaway.

So you set your foundation and start to mold your view
this picture seen by so many but only understood by you
trying to bring something a lil different than what was there
before. so sure, that yours will be the artwork that stands out.

From a lump of sand into a tall statue
using me to rediscover the real you
not knowing the true you always was
Cuz, though you deviated from your original plan -
tossed and turned from hand to hand,
trying to change shape for every different situation
your essence remained the same.

no one could dismount you as you stood tall
like a big tree no axe could ever befall
yes you stand tall now for all to see
from a lump of sand into the perfect artistry.

"Exes" (am I not enough?)

Men are
some strange creatures
I just can’t seem to figure them out.
No doubt I want to love you
trust me I do, but with your you know who's
ringing off your phone
I sure hope they’re still there when I am gone.
I see right through their antics, tastes acid,
to think they’re the ones that left you,
dare say used you? I can’t say, I wasn’t there
I can only go by what you say.
You say I’m over reacting by
what I see as disrespecting but I
don’t think you’re understanding.
These small things turn into big something’s
and I just ain’t laughing no more.
The more I think the furtherer I’m moving on
again it’s the simple principles we live on
but you play it off cause you don’t want to change or rearrange your style
all the while wanting my love.
Do you know what sacrifice is made of?
I want to believe what I see in your eyes
but it looks just like the same old brother in disguise.

love:evolving (it's in the way you are)

i don't know why
it's not a taste or a sound
it's in that empty feeling when you're not around

i can't describe it
in an email or letter
it's in the me just wanting to always know you better

i guess it's the small things
done between us everyday
the pain when i feel angry or the magnetism that makes me stay

it's not a smell
it's not a taste or a sound
it's that 'lonely but in a crowded room feeling' when you can't be found

no words
no expressions, folktales or phrases
no nouns, adverbs could possibly describe the way it is

for it's in the air
that blows through the trees
it's in me always staying when i know i should leave

i just don't know why
for it's not a taste or a sound
it's in the quiet recognition of the thing i've found....

in you.

that love......

that wakes you early in the morning
makes you smile while sitting on the train, just thinking
that makes your heart pulse with nervous anticipation
or relax gently with some soothing conversation
that makes you check and re-check the phone volume
that brings colour illuminating any dark room
yeah, the kind that can knock you out like Mayweather
yet make the heart float, light as a feather
you know what i'm talking bout sistas
will I?

that makes it 'coppa to share your last scoop of ice-cream
that at one moment makes you laugh, scream, steam, dream
the kind that makes you wonder how you've been living without
that you think on non-stop and brag to your girlfriends about
the kind that for no reason makes you wanna sing
songs of happiness and euphoria from the soul within
and gives you that skin that shines on the outside
with the power to break open the shell enclosing your pride
ye, the kind deserving of your mother
will I?

that makes you move and groove without any music
that made you write and re-write this script, call it 'writing music'
man, the kind that is sung on by my soul sistas from Philly
and the brothas that drop it like the 'ahjustwantyoutoluvme'
that made you from the inside wanna be a better spirit
that made you not only believe but live it!
that doesn't mind the face looking back in the reflection
that's found a being with just as many imperfections
acceptance of who i am an ultimately will be
my beautiful, kind hearted brother dressed in mahogany
have we?

musings music (part I)

mr. love walked through the door in some baggy khakis
you know, the ones hanging past your knees
and i caught wind of his air.
in that moment time was suspended, light bended
the sun eclipsed the moon, boom!!! fireworks
right then, the connection was sealed
mr. love had me on my knees

he sauntered over to the bar
"what will it be guy?"
"the usual" was his reply
i started making my mental cues
hmmmm, he likes the vodka neat, no ice cubes
my eyes peeled to the back of his head, listening
i was getting drunker every minute merely by the sight of him

"i could use a home cooked meal" he said
instantly my mind envisioned the perfect spread
of him and I breaking bread over dinner
that is, after i worked up the courage to get his number

i guess he could feel the heat coming in from behind
as he looked back and my eyes caught his catching mine
his lips parted, "hi" he said softly
alls i could muster up was a"who me?"
haha, he smiled in this confidant guile
a grown woman reduced to a stuttering child
with all the courage i had i finally replied
"i've been watching your stance from across the distance and i must admit i'm entranced. so come on over, have a drink and some convos, at the end of the night i'll have you (aroused, i thought to myself) hmmm, i'll have you wrapped around my fingers and toes"

phew! he laughed out loud at my corny joke
walked over to my side and we talked and talked till the sun drew high,
I, was falling.

on my wedding day

i want sweaty palms
and underarms
i wanna miss breakfast
'scuze me, but i might be kinda nervous
anxiously waiting to walk down the aisles of forever.

i want my beautiful mother there by my side
beaming with pride,
at a daughter she never thought would
learn to grow up
and i want my father
with tears in his eyes over a little girl
he finally has to let go.

i want my girlfriends to fuss around me
massage my feet if need be
that is, if they can catch me
man, i'll probably
be hustling and bustling around
on my wedding day.

i want a congregation filled with my family
and extended family
friends and neighbours, brothers and sisters
people on whom i have depended once and a while
who have helped shape this ingenue into this
ever blushing bride

and i really want
when i walk down that aisle
all eyes on me
while my eyes are only on -
the father of my future child
future husband to this ever blushing bride
my best friend, lover, parallel soul
as we prepare for forever, together
one day at a time.




(oh my wedding day will just be do super!!!!! will you be there?)

these words....

these words, these words
that can break a strong back
make a neck sore from whip lash
in one moment make you feel so good
in another pierce through the heart
like an arrow from Robin Hood.

these words, these words
as sweet as mama’s warm apple pie
make you wanna cry, sigh, glorify
the soft lips which they are spoken through
these thought-provoking, mind altering
low smooth jazz words
spoken by you.

(stolen moments) playing with fire

Can we
be alone?
I’ve been
Wondering
cause every time you brush
my sleeve I get this rush
I shouldn’t get. We know the deal
she’d kill
you if she knew
You
were still calling me.
You say I’m
the kryptonite to your superman
But I already gotta man
and she’s
been holding you down for so long
But I still answer the phone when it rings
No excuses, I have caller I.D.
Hmmmm, maybe
we are playing with fire.
I have no desire
For you
and
We’d both regret it
The morning after
So go
with this goodnight kiss, we
Need to stop meeting
like this.

the mother in me (anticipating you)

I want to be a mother
I want to nurture and shape a beautiful life
I want to stay up all night calming your spirit
And I want bags under my eyes from not sleeping.

I want to be a good mother
I want to squeeze the milk from my breast
Milk that flows through your bones, from your head to your toes
That helps you to grow into a God-fearing being.

Oh, I can’t wait to be a mother
Sharing in the joys and the pains of this existence
I want to be your best friend, your sista soul, the shoulder you lean on
The one in whom you are always confiding.

I want to teach you RESPECT, like my mother taught me
Of elders, of great and small, of any colour
I want you to learn the lesson in every fall
I want you to be rich in life’s blessings and learn to live through Him.

I want to be the kind of mother mine was to me
And I really want you to fall deeply in love
Weak at the knees, hearts fluttering butterflies from the beginning of something
I ultimately, want to be the grandmother in your family.

I want you to look back on life
Feel contentment at what you have become
I want you to be proud of where you came from
And remember me fondly, for planting the seeds of longevity.

I want so many things and more
For a being I’ve never seen, touched or heard
God grant me the patience to wait for your miracle
And that when it comes, I am the mother I should to be.

slow choke

i'm beginning to uncover the lies
lies that built up this foundation we live on
it's hard to walk now as the earth seems unsteady
what my eyes see is paining me
as i look in from the outside.
scared of your capabilities
as i slowly realize i was won over by deceit
on the inside my heart is playing tug-o-war
i just don't think you will ever understand
it's the principles we live on
it's not the foundation in the you and the me
it's the foundation in the we
yet i continue to build my home
on this uneven plantation
hoping that in time
i forget.

i am wide open.

i feel so lucid, so weak
what is it that is draining me?
what is it?
i try to think on things but it's like there's this signal,
making everything blurry
making everything so foggy and i just can't get a clear view.
i can't even see you.
but i know you're there, but why?
why are you here? why are we?
they're times when i know without a shadow of a doubt
other times the answers are elusive
like a race, i was running off your love but now i move at a slower pace
i'm tired. tired of you?
the answers, where are they?
who has them? should they be sought out?
the truth can be ugly but i'm hungry to know my fate
i am weak in mind body and spirit
my past, your past convoluted
someone is not being fully honest here
i can feel it.

shorts......

elements (in my mind)

talk to me in verbs and adverbs whisper sweetly make me feel like I am yours and you are mine and together we form that invisible line of symmetry. I feel your body naked on my chest to breast aligned joined at the hip and moving rhythmically to the sounds of souls singing sweat pouring sweet love making. A touch so intense that day runs to night and I just haven’t noticed how can I when my whole being is suspended in a time and space of euphoria. And we are intertwined. I wine and grind like I have never felt such pleasure pure cherry waiting to buss and spew my love dew all over you. And then we start for round two…….


the ties that break me down

i am drowning in a sea of the unforgiving
came here wid not even a dollar to my name
oh, but I planted seeds, always in my garden watering
built myself up, trying to bring a piece of home to this home
saw the waters edge drawing closer and closer
built me a boat to keep ma feet dry
but I was no match
to the strongest force on earth,
boat capsized
And now I’m barely floating…….

the morse code

i'm surprised
you didn't feel what i felt
like i'd melt in your arms
such charm
disarmed my senses
breathless
so relentlessly i pursued thee
the anti-enemy in me
wanted you.


the afterthought

I know you did me wrong
Some say we shouldn’t even speak
But understand,
holding onto so much pain
Only makes the soul weak.
I don’t have it in my heart to hate you
What a wasteful way to remain
Angry, vengeful, miserable
That kinda ish can drive a woman insane
Some ask, why write with you still in mind
But I have to remember from whence I came
I know deep in my heart, even though forever apart
I will never feel pain like that again
Besides, I know you miss me.

by the lion's side

what's on the inside?
why do I feel the need to hide
my inner core?
my pride has been such a handicapped
and I’m just running to and fro
like a yo-yo


my darling ron

i think i've lost a friend
i feel this void, so painful
always reminds me it's there
i love you with everything in me
i just hope you know
even with the distance
you're on my mind

more of you

(found this today when i was surfing under a "real eyes realize real lies" thread and i was feeling the beat of it, author unknown)


i’m standing
i’m waiting
i’m calling
i’m listening
i’m yearning
i’m wanting - wanting more of you
i’m ready
i’m willing
i’m stretching
i’m reaching
i’m desperately seeking
wanting more of you
your tender touch
your gentle ways
always on my mind and it makes me say
i’m wanting more of you
your love for me
gives me everything i need
and it keeps me wanting more of you
you are my delight
with you i’m satisfied
forever and always
throughout all of my days
in skies blue or skies gray
i’ll be wanting you
here’s my heart and the key
cuz you know you complete me

distractions (draft)

i need to separate 'tween my wants and my needs

my wants, draining a life source my pockets can't feed
lost in this brand name world, it ain't even legit

letting these glossaries tell me what is and ain't hip,
watch yaself ya might get swept up in this .......
i ain't got no riches but damn i'm a millionaire,
imagine being wealthy from God's whisperings in my ear
not reading through the lines of the black and white,
we are too within ourselves.

we run from it but the real word cannot be polluted
in any language it is holy divine
who is getting stronger while we're busy being distracted.
playing hide and seek with our minds
my eyes, my eyes, what they see is all lies
all the riches? still ain't happy? oh my what a surprise!
at the end of the day it's our inner enemy we despise
getting mixed up in materialism and losing sight of what is
we are slowly losing ourselves.

i've been searching for a while, lost in this fog of mistrust
lost in this sphere of artificial symmetry and lust
i fear God, how will he punish me? for yearning my designer throws
disguising the sista soul neath these designer clothes
back to dust, i can't take these things to the grave
slaving myself to the maze that is this designer craze.

i was lost for a long time but slowly i emerge
a kinda rebirth for this naked spirit bird
i realize i was chosen, this life didn't chose me
took a while for me to recognize my divinity
commonly, love is not a mystery
it is the I in you and the you in me
and we are.

for a while, DeLisle

he was a quiet man with a great sense of humour
he was a man of God, with knowledge that could span the entire globe,
knowledge that he could squeeze into the hand he held mine with.
he was passionate about everything and everyone,
you knew with him you were loved and could not help but return that love, twofold.
he inspired me to read beyond my reading,
to read works that challenged me and motivated me to read more and more
he encouraged me to never give up, even when the walls of adversity engulfed me. he encouraged me to look to the sky always.
he could make me laugh like it was his second calling,
yet captivate my complete attention in his sermon.
he loved me and my family and to say i will miss him does not even begin to skim the surface of how i will forever dream of his divine mystery, how i will forever remember that for me he would give, whatever.
i will miss him, like i miss the comfort of my mother's womb, like i miss the feel of the soft sand beneath my toes when i'm away from my homeland. like he and i were made of the same thread. he was definitely part of my daily bread.
he was a man of the cloth who believed.
he was an awe inspiring canon.
again, he was one of the funniest beings
he had the greatest sense of humour ever. so the next time i hear a clever joke on he my thoughts will wander.
i will try not to wonder how it would be if he were here because i KNOW he is indeed ascended and eternal life is his.
however, i will always remember.

trevor

he's so fly, with his curly locks

his smooth skin and pure texture

God must've been dreaming of angels when he drew you up.

i could only ask so much as to say "hi",

a brief meeting

until by some cosmic chance we meet again

(it could've only been by some force of astrology that i chanced upon your acquaintance at all)

but till then i still have my interpretation

of what it is rumoured heaven must look like

a picture of perfection imprinted on my memory

until another storm brings you my way

i accept your silent apology for your intrusion.

in a second......

.......fear grabbed hold of this soul and held her in a chokehold fear that didn't even know her name fear that she didn't know was fear at first as time stood still fear that didn't even know before it came in that it was coming fear that she didn't even know she was capable of having fear ebbed deep in the belly getting stuck in the throat trying to come out but fear on the opposite end pushing it down fear so profound fear that silences the voice resulting in soundless screams fear with tears forming on the inside of her eyelids washing away the beauty of her iris making everything blurry fear of not knowing where to hide fear that such a place didn't exist making her heart beat so loudly barely able to hear him shouting frantically "where's vanya, where's vanya????" fear that stopped her from breathing not knowing if she'd come out alive kicking fear of dying and not getting the chance to say good-bye.....

i know now of fear and it's such an acid drink i now live in fear of just one drop of that fear ever touching my lips again.

the beauty of Him (reflecting the light back to you)

he brushes the hair from the side of my cheek
sends shivers down my spine when i hear him speak
he whistles a song to make the hummingbird sing
my man has a beauty growing from within
have you seen him?

he laughs out loud at my corny jokes
he's super sexy in his stay fly shirts
he's my 'cool in the heat to keep warm in winter' human being
my man possesses a divine aura glowing from within
have you seen him?

he's accepted me and my imperfect gaze
he understands my past helped mold me into the woman i am today,
we grow more together everyday.
i ain't one to brag, but he uses all the talents God has given
my man was put here for a reason
and if you haven't seen him, dang!
ain't know what you're missing
but he is mine, my paradigm
and I am surprised it took me so long too see him.
but i ain't blind, oh and did i mention
he is fine.......

the mystery

i am sleeping with a stranger
knowing and not moving i'm in danger
of that pain that can slowly creep in
eating away at the soul of this seraphim
danger in bed with this stranger

trying to rise but it feels like some figure
is holding me in place, my heart races
every time i practice my exit speech
this danger is getting the best of me
my music is slowly losing it sound
yet its just too quiet when you're not around.

so i hold onto you.....

THE UNSEEN EYE (i am wide open)

(draft, still not satisfied, just doesn't flow man stupes)

last night
i had a nightmare, 2012 was the year and my child looked on me with scorn, cursing the day she was born, cursing me, for bringing her here against her will, still, looking to me for protection.

protection
from a gun-totting, world bombing masquerade, plagued with sickness and disease on every page, turning to the church but the priest misbehaving the same, who really is to blame?

blame?
we are all guilty of the same inaction, the mere fraction it would take to make a difference, no longer in existence as we disgrace the memories of those who fought our battles in the past so we would not be in this disposition, so blame? if they were here now they'd be ashamed.

but i am not ashamed to say i am scared.

i apologize
my future child, for conceiving you into a world baby girl that it wrought with lies, where we serve corruption for breakfast and leave the spoils for the flies. if i close my eyes i'll see the blood on my hands, understand, i too, am guilty of doing nothing.

i will try
from now till you get here, to shield you from the new ills of that year, yes i fear for you, i love you, i need you to understand and i beg that you love me still. love for me being selfish and wanting you in my realm where i admit, it's not safe. but there is a place for you.

i need that promise from you my dear,
so next time come to me in a mellow dream and not with a look of fear. i too live in fear, pure fear that i will not be a good mother to you, that i will be a disappointment too and that you'd wish you weren't here.

i can't blame you
but understand, the love i have for you is wider than any ocean and has lines that run to infinity. i love you like i love life itself and even though i've only seen you in my dreams, i love you unconditionally. so accept this apology in advance but when you get here just give us a chance......

uneasy

you lie to me and i lie back to even the score

sinking so deep in this game can't tell what's real no more

there is no reason, just want you around

sharing, living, dreaming, being

i'm captivated by the one i've found
but we can't build this home on deceitful ground
we can't make music without a sound
there is no reason, just want you around
believe in me and i'll have your back to the end
yet sometimes i miss the ease there was when we were just friends.

on love.

like the flower, patiently waiting to fully bloom.....
or the radiant sun eclipsing the soft moon......
oh yes, love is indeed everywhere.....
but real love? to me? seems so rare.....

complicated.

on this merry go round of ups and downs
i run away from you and to you at the same time
just out of my touch yet engulfing my ebony
below, around, surround sound and above me
massaging the sugar-coated notes of my underbelly
love is.....
coming.

there is potential.

daily bread

you came along

awoken a soul

that was sleeping

yet dreaming a song

with the courage now to recite the words

listening to the tune of the humming bird

transforming my thoughts to spoken word

i am music

i've become that jazz

of b.b. king and norah jones

the rhythm of that brass ensemble from Chicago

bluesin' to their rebelliously unique flow

all day

comfortable in my own skin

better now from the outside in

still a winner even if in last place

when i thought what i needed was space

you came along

awoken a soul

that was sleeping

yet living a song

with the courage now to recite the words

listening to the tune of the humming bird

transforming my thoughts to spoken word

i am music.

i've become that neo-soul

like lauryn and jill, outta control

exclusively

fear no longer crippling my body

FREE! so alive and free, even if i sing out of key

or aloud, in a crowd, along with the radio

you sway to the sounds of morcheeba with me

just when i felt like i could no longer breathe

you came

awoken a soul

that was sleeping

yet breathing through your spirit song

all along.......

inertia......

inside
pride paralyzing limbs, too numb to vocalize how i'm feeling. our cause and the effects it leaves on us must change, time to turn the page on this drama, it's killing this writer.

complaining
that i am enclosed in a shell, just goes to show how well you don't know. i fashion myself open to speak on anything or anyone but it'd take a revolution for me to speak on me with this tongue. i know.....contradiction.

affecting
my thoughts and my sleeping routine, up thinking when i should be lost in a dream. heart beating so loud it's deafening, couldn't even hear you if you were screaming right next to me.

everyday
the same as before as we continue to grow further and further apart, the seams of this art undoing, with no one bending. if you could only see, you have to be silent to actually hear me, just listen. maybe then i could admit to you, i too am afraid.

notes in A Cappella

our song deserved an audience i suppose
you in the base, I in soprano
playing me smoothly like the keys on your grand piano
uhmmmm, a ballad with the most endearing falsetto.

i wrapped my strings round your auburn guitar
you were my minuet versed in G minor
my love for you ran up scales beyond measure
humming slow lullaby bars in iambic pentameter.

two notes cast in the most classic love theme
scripting images of our future accompanying us on the tambourine
baby, i loved you like the flute loves the soft breeze
my heart danced to your reggae beats blowing in the trees
you were the sweetest symphony i never had
till that day i found out our duo was actually a triad.

octaves pacing, organs racing in staccato
lives changing, morphing into totally different tempos
the choir grew loud, i could no longer ignore the voices
our business playing on the streets on malicious devices.

thought i'd change my style, started bellowing in alto
becoming a different person in this musical portfolio
but tragically our tune had already lost its rhythm
signs of lust and deceit plagued symptoms
chanted louder, tried to reach you through my microphone
but you were long gone before i even realised you were gone
for when i thought we were in harmony all along
after the final curtain drew,
i realised it was always a solo song.

the thing with my voice is that it sets you free
you could never out the flame burning inside me
now, i purr in a honey combed crested descant
surrounding myself with an orchestra of uplifting instruments
mellow tones with hints of neo-soul, trip and acid jazz
addictive glow and an even sexier pizazz
my flow grows with me on my lyrical cantata
as i perform my aria in a Capella

now i sing
la la la la la la la la laaaaaaaa.

i forgave her.

like a thief in the night
stole my bone from my marrow
a piece of my pie, a damn sty in my eye
childishly playing with my emotions
parading them like a peacock
handsome she was i can't front,
heck i ain't blind!
but what lied inside? a demon in disguise
man, took me by surprise....what did he see in her?
when you take what ain't yours, you don't brag, you don't boast
play shy and try to keep it simple at the most.
of course she laughed in my ear that time i called
gave her a chance to talk woman to woman
but was reminded i was dealing with a child
in this playground of lies.
made me lose focus
invaded my space, my safety zone
in a crowd forced to don a smile
all the while
ms. innocent and unaware took center stage
the lead in my original play
strutting around with stolen goods
depriving me of my heart food
i grew weaker and weaker my spirit slowly fading-
away in my own melancholic sea i was wading
and even when it felt like she stomped on my soul with the bottom of her sole, still
i forgave her.
but with God at my side and prayer as my guide
i've come to realize we too quickly mislay the blame
when the origin of it all begins and ends with him.
revenge is ugly business served cold or hot
turns you into something wicked, someone you're not
your own inner enemy and a stranger to many
picked up a few lessons along the way
she was a mere piece in this player's game
the first forgiveness should be given to him
and in the end she was perfect for him
but God had other plans for me all along
i let go the weights that were holding me down
genuinely smiling now as i walk in the crowd.
now i understand.
i had to let go of loving him
only then did the real healing begin.
now i fondly look back and say "i remember when.........."

bare

like the 3 minutes for the conditioner to work, i'm waitin'
who i am and what i do, they hatin'
first you want me go then you want me to stay, i'm swayin'
swaying away from you.
i say exactly what's on my mind, it's true
don't ask if you don't want to hear the truth
truth is, you're feeding my strength with your sarcasm
stronger now than i could have ever imagined
now i wait no more my time is now
i'll flip the down side of this somehow
up up and away, just like that i'm gone
cheers to a new era, and to the ending of another.


COMING/through

in plain view
yet so outta sight
stalking me, watching my every move
tempt me you might
to come over to your side
she-lion at the of this pride
you and i know the truth
poof!
catch up to me
as i take my high ride
it's all coming out now
i missed the stop..............joy-riding
slyly slipping through your phalanges
i spy
a forgotten memory

free flow (just writing no breathing)

it's so hard to be original sometimes
like you get an idea, you feel that flow
you ask yourself have i heard this before?
or is this new to me?
so you say yes, it's all nouveau
and you start your journey of writing this piece
fiction or fact
writing nonetheless, till you feel like you've squeezed the juices of your imagination
and stretched out your imagery completely
and you read it over and over
making corrections here and there
realising oops, i said that in a rhyme a time back
hmm, that word is to verbose, so you look for a better fit
then you sit
and read and re-read again and again
till it feels right
and you sit and smile
feeling so good, so full
such a high
and you feel proud that you got it out
you love the flow
and you 'pop that collar
and let it marinate.

and then she walks up and is like yo!
"that looks like my scripture but written with a different picture"
and you gasp and realise it's true
you've fallen victim to the ism of plagiarism
you knew when you wrote that line you'd heard it before
and you sigh and can't believe the scene
you just fell prey to the unoriginality beam.

a kafka short

life evolves
dissolves until you get to the core
the surface hides what's inside
hides your reality
should you reveal the truth?
truth that sometimes burdens the soul
truths left unsaid by the tongue
truth that can resolve
or create more chaos?

life teaches
lessons no book could script
fact not fiction
we have the evidence right before our eyes
yet we repreat the sins of our fathers and fore fathers
hoping to be that change
memories that take longer to forget
can't forget the mistakes

mistakes begat growth?

life begins

when we release that fear

wisdom reappears
rebirth of the sorts
a kinda renewed sense of self

recognition of your destiny

destined to be more than
self-respect
self-esteem
love for self
selfless

mind trip

can i
get high with you?
can i be your golden sunset Malibu?
lounge on the sun tanned sand, watching the crimson horizon
aqua waves breaking neath our toes
crystal clear waters stretching beyond our imagination
lost in the purple essence scheme of creation.

can i

sing you a verse?
converse on an alternate universe,
where gravity has no hold, no pull on potentials
venus and mars drifting towards infinity
socializing through the prisms of conscious undertones
intergalactic magnetism to the cosmos

can i
brush my lips across your cheek?
chemical reactions when our skins meet
runs down my spine, through my thighs, and bursts into my feet
the unique alchemic explosions of fresh air
drags our energy out, forces these connection to the surface
fear of falling combust as the working catalyst

can i
from your mind get a reading?
nourishment to a soul in need of healing
in my hand your heart i hold
love's spring dew to suffocate that burning inferno
dampening your being with sweet drops of my feelings
awakening to rays of new beginnings.

the seeds.

my mind drowned, drenched in perspiration
yo! i just grew tired running on creative concentration
my mind, no lie, is the most active beat within I
transforming this caterpillar into that mocha butterfly

cruising.

no longer a slave to the tyranny of censorship
i stand by the views that spew from these phat lips
my hips, they sway to bounce you outta rotation
damn! all this time you missed the correlation?

through words.

between the me, the you, the we and the them
gaining the skills needed for that legendary wisdom
my faculties weary, not sure how to interpret the truth
throwing isms and skisms at a soul that's bulletproof

bounce back.

this thesis was proven twenty times over and still
those naysayers again with their negativity pill
there was no last laugh to claim the number 1
'not looking back' became my working theme song

this wisdom.

so i've spoken my truth for my tongue is so pure
boomerang, bang! it'll hit ya, kosher for sure
speaking a language that y'all never understand
i rather fight with my words not with my hands.

driven.

(besides, i just got my nails done!)

SWERVE! (on breaking the learning curve)

It's hard
But worth a try
Seeing you differently
You're accustomed to so many games
It's like embedded in your psyche
But check it
With me
Games are best left in primary
Just gotta keep it real always
And I'll hold you down indefinitely
So no rush homie
I'm a grown woman
You're now kicking it son with the dopest ethiopian
Take your time, let it take you slowly
Listen attentively
As I give you some re-education therapy.

quiet chaos

alone but in a crowded room
their voices
echo.......echo........echo
off the walls around me
but i feel no vibrations
for i possess the art of ignorance.
ignoring the noise and hyperactivity
still, i hear the chitter chatter, the laughter
the footsteps rush past in each direction
joined by blood yet as wide as the ocean
and i alone in the corner
so loud
yet so quiet that i can hear the whispers
in my mind's eye i see the pointing fingers
i know it's my name on their tongues
stealing past my door and i wonder
is the change in them or me?

so i let myself drift
into my super-ego lair
quite comfortably
floating in another hemisphere
where i am safe
i can breathe
i can mold my creativity
and shape the better parts of me
i can re-write this theory
as to who, what and why
i can get a better control
pushing against the negative forces
that try to suppress my positive energy
speaking with the same lingua
but in a different patois
kinda like an alien vernacular
i am that change they need.

and then
just like that, snap!
the noise overcomes my synergy
singular
i'm back to where i was physically
existing mutely
yet screaming in my sound proof box
where no one can hear me
or dares to listen carefully
stationary
with nothing left to do
but stand alone in this crowded vacuum
as the walls slowly consume
my space
till someone remembers
that changed they wanted
is still here.

it's the music (in me)

i woke up this morning with music in my ears
i have a good feeling about today
i woke up this morning and had lyrics in my head
i wanna shout my song for the world to hear

what a blessing it is to be alive
as i slowly put on my dancing shoes
i know in my heart i have a sweet song to to sing
and the world is the audience i should use

i wanna make that change that will bring change
the thinking and dreaming from within
people will dance and move to my caribbean beat
and the love music will spread to every seraphin

my song will be the food that will feed many
my words will be lifted with the words that bring sweet joy
God will look down and smile at his handiwork
good job my child, let your message feed every girl and boy.

it's the music
it's the music in me....

a warning

hey missy
sitting oh so very pretty
all the other girls must envy
you
but not me.
ya see,
i've learnt the alchemy of inner beauty
and that's the secret to why
my outer chi
shines
and i could go on and on and on.......

i am
beauty in black
inside and out
there is no doubt.
so i say to you sissy
sitting so high strung and pretty
mind you don't fall.
go on, take your voodoo
somewhere else
there just ain't enough room for two
Here.

thinking.....

i'm thinking, what's my next move? like, right now life is good but i'm restless. i'm trying to please everyone but i feel like i'm losing parts of me by giving in to their needs. so you, mid-twenties with so much responsibility. i've always been a runner finally learning how to face things head on but still i'm restless. i want to be the best me possible, i want so much for myself and my family it's crazy. crazy the ways i want to succeed, the projects i want to be involved in, tying to stay positive but around me there's so much negativity. it's just not that easy. so what do you say to someone like me? hang in......

the shape of me

i can't keep up
one minute i'm crawling then i'm walking
and walking and then running
trying to catch up to what
i left behind
trying to rediscover my spirituality
and what truly belongs to me
like what do i deserve?
who should i trust?
am i living as i must?
so used to pretending
i'd lost the true me
the 'genuity' that lies in all of us
he made us in his own image
to be different, to live differently
yet i try to fit in
so afraid to be the antI
why?
the questions i want answered
too scared to ask
so i'll just keep looking
till the solution finds me.

serendipity

i wasn't looking for you
yet you're here
and now i'm drunk off the love you give
and i dance in the shades of our canopy
i've been waiting for a man like you
patiently
didn't want you to come unto me
till you were ready
and yet you found your way here
beautiful
and now i'm enveloped in your melody
and so hungry for the
possibility.

I AM.

I am…….
So far from the spectrum of perfection
I’ve erred in my living, dreaming, even my bedding
Mistakenly mistook my value, my worth
Challenged, broken, lost track of my pride.

I am……..
So afraid of my past, like a shadow
It stalks my movements
Always there reminding me
Where I used to be, the devil in me
Sometimes I wonder how I got this far.

I am……….
So sorry for those I have wronged on my journey
Those toes I stepped on, crushed and bruised
Used, my sincere apologies
But I can’t make any excuses
My behaviour was inexcusable
Some even say unforgivable
But I’ve changed and now
The woman you see
Growing, Learning, Becoming
More confident, self-assured
In love with loving
Singing sweet somethings
Laughing at nothing
Be-bopping to her own tune
Healed, peaceful
Loving herself
Needed those sagas, the many dramas
To become the woman
That stands tall, proud
Smiling brightly knowing that
I am free,
Finally.

a haiku for you.

talk to me in verbs
adverbs whisper sweetly to
me, like i am yours....
(extracts from a writing entitled "elements")


a touch so intense
that day runs to night and i
just haven't noticed.

better now. (from the inside out)

Let me explain to you in words and phrases/the stages/that I’ve been through since you/ya see I loved you with my mind/heart/my body/shoot, I loved you with every itty bitty part of me/and I wasn’t willing to let you go but her pull was stronger/than any hunger/I had. I wanted to be your baby mommy I didn’t care about the money/as long we were “we”/and built that crystalline family/for you I would’ve given my right lung a liver and artery/for you I would’ve stolen those dimes/didn't care about the time/for my world would me “sublime”/ without you. I so wasn’t willing to let you go but her pull stronger/than my inner hunger. It was like you read my mind/that time/remember in the dark when it was just you and me and I felt like we were connected from within ye I know sex with you was a sin/but you were my him/my he/my one and only/and I was your honey bee/up to now I just can’t understand why you left for what I felt not even Shakespeare could scroll/shoot this love was a million years old/like 400 feet deep or more/man this sh*t was real hardcore/ and I sit and I think and I sit and I try to rhyme/I sit and try to find the time/the time/to figure out the real score/for sure/I can't forget/or regret/your being/I can't deny your breathing/my all my core part of my inner being/but I can close my eyes and still see you leaving/like it was just yesterday. Like when you first walked away man I was bleeding/like a virgin that just bust a hole I was "fiending"/man I felt like I was dreaming/ that it ain’t went down that way/that you’d beg me to stay/that you didn’t treat me like I was not/what/I’d built up myself to be in the head/man I was dead/gone lost in a frame of mind that few hesitate to admit really exists/who persists/in telling me its just a phase based on my time line/I should be fine/by now. But I’m not. Iven’t forgot that slap I got in my face/felt like my soul was lashed out at that pace/as I retrace/my steps I should’ve stayed home that night and not take you by surprise/and expose your lies/I should’ve keep those flies/in front my eyes. it was april I can see it in my mind’s eye clear as day, the instant my innocence went away. And what was supposed to be a time of celebration/my liberation/became a time of separation/hopeless desperation/my ‘bration/was gone/and I alone/with my sins to atone/was forced to move on/did you hear me? ALONE!!!!!! And life just never went back the same/ain't no lame/excuse or note from my mother/I was a depressed mother…….and I ain't trying to pass the buck either/I was the overseer/of my own torture from you the gate keeper/silent weaver of my soul/behold! I give you what once was an addictive fever/now turned into a stagnant griever/damn all this time I thought I was a believer/that my love was enough to weather/ the storm going against the norm/when you left. And I got lower and lower/ till my knees touched the top of Beelzebub’s horn/ (but only when you take it on) a woman scorned/indeed like a baby needing a breast feed from that nipple/I was crippled/couldn’t walk or stand/my life totally dependent on one man/when my real man sits at the right hand/misunderstanding his true plan/for me running away from his calling/at night home bawling/tearing out my hair/yes wishing you would disappear/yet still wishing you were here/to give me cpr/make these scars heal/and again feel/what I know was real. whispering sweet nothings in my ears/all those years/and all the meds they never did nuttin/no fronting we sure had alotta something/that just turned into a colossal nothing/now who’s laughing?

BUT.....

I built myself back to the acme/that was my prior reality/of who I am supposed to be/hand selected by the trinity/my foretold divinity/realized the enemy/was living within me/I cast him OUT for the rest of eternity/ ‘til my soul was cleansed my spirit healed. And the self I was, that made me feel ugly/wondering who could ever love me? it was then I shed and revealed my new skin/ and realized my true beauty always resided within.

(so I had to buss this rhyme but I’m so sorry your time……………………is………………………………up)