(draft, still not satisfied, just doesn't flow man stupes)
last night
i had a nightmare, 2012 was the year and my child looked on me with scorn, cursing the day she was born, cursing me, for bringing her here against her will, still, looking to me for protection.
protection
from a gun-totting, world bombing masquerade, plagued with sickness and disease on every page, turning to the church but the priest misbehaving the same, who really is to blame?
blame?
we are all guilty of the same inaction, the mere fraction it would take to make a difference, no longer in existence as we disgrace the memories of those who fought our battles in the past so we would not be in this disposition, so blame? if they were here now they'd be ashamed.
but i am not ashamed to say i am scared.
i apologize
my future child, for conceiving you into a world baby girl that it wrought with lies, where we serve corruption for breakfast and leave the spoils for the flies. if i close my eyes i'll see the blood on my hands, understand, i too, am guilty of doing nothing.
i will try
from now till you get here, to shield you from the new ills of that year, yes i fear for you, i love you, i need you to understand and i beg that you love me still. love for me being selfish and wanting you in my realm where i admit, it's not safe. but there is a place for you.
i need that promise from you my dear,
so next time come to me in a mellow dream and not with a look of fear. i too live in fear, pure fear that i will not be a good mother to you, that i will be a disappointment too and that you'd wish you weren't here.
i can't blame you
but understand, the love i have for you is wider than any ocean and has lines that run to infinity. i love you like i love life itself and even though i've only seen you in my dreams, i love you unconditionally. so accept this apology in advance but when you get here just give us a chance......
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5 comments:
very deep...the exact reasons why i am weary about bringing another life into this conundrum we call the world...however, we must trust GOD at all costs with ALL things!!!
personalyy, i think the draft is great...
thanks a bunch
still working on it though
but muchly appreciated
i know how you feel about it not 'feeling' right...but it is very deep and insightful and true and painful and freeing all at once...keep musing, this sounds like a peice that will need ongoing work...its real life and sometimes you cant put real life situations into mere words..especially something with this level of profundity...keep living and searching and growing!
hey, thanks mimi, like i know what i have in my head, but sometimes it's so hard to get it out, something i've sturggled with all my life, that voice, i need that voice. but i will not give up, i will not lose, i'll just keep working at it till it feels right.
thanks again and again :)
the comments that you made on my other blog were great, especially your poetic words....i'll begin to reply to your comments on the comments section on the blog..anyhow...i admire your hinesty and the fact that you are aware of your flaws and are willing to work on them...that is important.... it's funny how you have similar qualities as sam...you are a good person...and you deserve well...take care and i hope your relationship continues to grow and prosper...
k.i.t.
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