I AM.

I am…….
So far from the spectrum of perfection
I’ve erred in my living, dreaming, even my bedding
Mistakenly mistook my value, my worth
Challenged, broken, lost track of my pride.

I am……..
So afraid of my past, like a shadow
It stalks my movements
Always there reminding me
Where I used to be, the devil in me
Sometimes I wonder how I got this far.

I am……….
So sorry for those I have wronged on my journey
Those toes I stepped on, crushed and bruised
Used, my sincere apologies
But I can’t make any excuses
My behaviour was inexcusable
Some even say unforgivable
But I’ve changed and now
The woman you see
Growing, Learning, Becoming
More confident, self-assured
In love with loving
Singing sweet somethings
Laughing at nothing
Be-bopping to her own tune
Healed, peaceful
Loving herself
Needed those sagas, the many dramas
To become the woman
That stands tall, proud
Smiling brightly knowing that
I am free,
Finally.

a haiku for you.

talk to me in verbs
adverbs whisper sweetly to
me, like i am yours....
(extracts from a writing entitled "elements")


a touch so intense
that day runs to night and i
just haven't noticed.

better now. (from the inside out)

Let me explain to you in words and phrases/the stages/that I’ve been through since you/ya see I loved you with my mind/heart/my body/shoot, I loved you with every itty bitty part of me/and I wasn’t willing to let you go but her pull was stronger/than any hunger/I had. I wanted to be your baby mommy I didn’t care about the money/as long we were “we”/and built that crystalline family/for you I would’ve given my right lung a liver and artery/for you I would’ve stolen those dimes/didn't care about the time/for my world would me “sublime”/ without you. I so wasn’t willing to let you go but her pull stronger/than my inner hunger. It was like you read my mind/that time/remember in the dark when it was just you and me and I felt like we were connected from within ye I know sex with you was a sin/but you were my him/my he/my one and only/and I was your honey bee/up to now I just can’t understand why you left for what I felt not even Shakespeare could scroll/shoot this love was a million years old/like 400 feet deep or more/man this sh*t was real hardcore/ and I sit and I think and I sit and I try to rhyme/I sit and try to find the time/the time/to figure out the real score/for sure/I can't forget/or regret/your being/I can't deny your breathing/my all my core part of my inner being/but I can close my eyes and still see you leaving/like it was just yesterday. Like when you first walked away man I was bleeding/like a virgin that just bust a hole I was "fiending"/man I felt like I was dreaming/ that it ain’t went down that way/that you’d beg me to stay/that you didn’t treat me like I was not/what/I’d built up myself to be in the head/man I was dead/gone lost in a frame of mind that few hesitate to admit really exists/who persists/in telling me its just a phase based on my time line/I should be fine/by now. But I’m not. Iven’t forgot that slap I got in my face/felt like my soul was lashed out at that pace/as I retrace/my steps I should’ve stayed home that night and not take you by surprise/and expose your lies/I should’ve keep those flies/in front my eyes. it was april I can see it in my mind’s eye clear as day, the instant my innocence went away. And what was supposed to be a time of celebration/my liberation/became a time of separation/hopeless desperation/my ‘bration/was gone/and I alone/with my sins to atone/was forced to move on/did you hear me? ALONE!!!!!! And life just never went back the same/ain't no lame/excuse or note from my mother/I was a depressed mother…….and I ain't trying to pass the buck either/I was the overseer/of my own torture from you the gate keeper/silent weaver of my soul/behold! I give you what once was an addictive fever/now turned into a stagnant griever/damn all this time I thought I was a believer/that my love was enough to weather/ the storm going against the norm/when you left. And I got lower and lower/ till my knees touched the top of Beelzebub’s horn/ (but only when you take it on) a woman scorned/indeed like a baby needing a breast feed from that nipple/I was crippled/couldn’t walk or stand/my life totally dependent on one man/when my real man sits at the right hand/misunderstanding his true plan/for me running away from his calling/at night home bawling/tearing out my hair/yes wishing you would disappear/yet still wishing you were here/to give me cpr/make these scars heal/and again feel/what I know was real. whispering sweet nothings in my ears/all those years/and all the meds they never did nuttin/no fronting we sure had alotta something/that just turned into a colossal nothing/now who’s laughing?

BUT.....

I built myself back to the acme/that was my prior reality/of who I am supposed to be/hand selected by the trinity/my foretold divinity/realized the enemy/was living within me/I cast him OUT for the rest of eternity/ ‘til my soul was cleansed my spirit healed. And the self I was, that made me feel ugly/wondering who could ever love me? it was then I shed and revealed my new skin/ and realized my true beauty always resided within.

(so I had to buss this rhyme but I’m so sorry your time……………………is………………………………up)

a lament to a memory

The thing is,
I never envisioned a you and me
I’d already seen my epiphany in another somebody
He was most definitely my destiny
And even though we could never be
I still longed for him as my family

He was my ultimate epitome
He was….
Everything I wanted for me
Like I was looking in the mirror
Reflections, same smile, same style
The electricity.
Scents of familiarity.
Didn’t need no internet, no TV
Preoccupied by the lunacy of our present reality
(away from the land of sun and sea)

Gentle musings on Descartes and his philosophies
Marvin Gaye and some red wine – Chianti
Kept our company, daily
Before we discovered each other intimately
To retire to dark covers to make our own melody
(sometimes I miss the music of he in me)
Communing telepathically
In moments of solitude he was my soliloquy
(I sang because I was happy)

Eyes, ears, mouth appealing to my sensory
Disarming wink sent butterflies fluttering through my body
Not knowing eventually
All I’d have left were bittersweet memories
Of what we could never see
Inevitably our union was only temporary
there was no happily ever after story
It was written
There would never be a “we”
And I was left with just me.

And now you walk in,
and this new “we” is so unlikely
I perceive a lot of I in thee
But it’s a totally different scenery
And now I’m afraid you’re trying to mold me
Into yet another she
And I begin to miss the me I was……
With he.