better now. (from the inside out)

Let me explain to you in words and phrases/the stages/that I’ve been through since you/ya see I loved you with my mind/heart/my body/shoot, I loved you with every itty bitty part of me/and I wasn’t willing to let you go but her pull was stronger/than any hunger/I had. I wanted to be your baby mommy I didn’t care about the money/as long we were “we”/and built that crystalline family/for you I would’ve given my right lung a liver and artery/for you I would’ve stolen those dimes/didn't care about the time/for my world would me “sublime”/ without you. I so wasn’t willing to let you go but her pull stronger/than my inner hunger. It was like you read my mind/that time/remember in the dark when it was just you and me and I felt like we were connected from within ye I know sex with you was a sin/but you were my him/my he/my one and only/and I was your honey bee/up to now I just can’t understand why you left for what I felt not even Shakespeare could scroll/shoot this love was a million years old/like 400 feet deep or more/man this sh*t was real hardcore/ and I sit and I think and I sit and I try to rhyme/I sit and try to find the time/the time/to figure out the real score/for sure/I can't forget/or regret/your being/I can't deny your breathing/my all my core part of my inner being/but I can close my eyes and still see you leaving/like it was just yesterday. Like when you first walked away man I was bleeding/like a virgin that just bust a hole I was "fiending"/man I felt like I was dreaming/ that it ain’t went down that way/that you’d beg me to stay/that you didn’t treat me like I was not/what/I’d built up myself to be in the head/man I was dead/gone lost in a frame of mind that few hesitate to admit really exists/who persists/in telling me its just a phase based on my time line/I should be fine/by now. But I’m not. Iven’t forgot that slap I got in my face/felt like my soul was lashed out at that pace/as I retrace/my steps I should’ve stayed home that night and not take you by surprise/and expose your lies/I should’ve keep those flies/in front my eyes. it was april I can see it in my mind’s eye clear as day, the instant my innocence went away. And what was supposed to be a time of celebration/my liberation/became a time of separation/hopeless desperation/my ‘bration/was gone/and I alone/with my sins to atone/was forced to move on/did you hear me? ALONE!!!!!! And life just never went back the same/ain't no lame/excuse or note from my mother/I was a depressed mother…….and I ain't trying to pass the buck either/I was the overseer/of my own torture from you the gate keeper/silent weaver of my soul/behold! I give you what once was an addictive fever/now turned into a stagnant griever/damn all this time I thought I was a believer/that my love was enough to weather/ the storm going against the norm/when you left. And I got lower and lower/ till my knees touched the top of Beelzebub’s horn/ (but only when you take it on) a woman scorned/indeed like a baby needing a breast feed from that nipple/I was crippled/couldn’t walk or stand/my life totally dependent on one man/when my real man sits at the right hand/misunderstanding his true plan/for me running away from his calling/at night home bawling/tearing out my hair/yes wishing you would disappear/yet still wishing you were here/to give me cpr/make these scars heal/and again feel/what I know was real. whispering sweet nothings in my ears/all those years/and all the meds they never did nuttin/no fronting we sure had alotta something/that just turned into a colossal nothing/now who’s laughing?

BUT.....

I built myself back to the acme/that was my prior reality/of who I am supposed to be/hand selected by the trinity/my foretold divinity/realized the enemy/was living within me/I cast him OUT for the rest of eternity/ ‘til my soul was cleansed my spirit healed. And the self I was, that made me feel ugly/wondering who could ever love me? it was then I shed and revealed my new skin/ and realized my true beauty always resided within.

(so I had to buss this rhyme but I’m so sorry your time……………………is………………………………up)