defining the indefinable

it takes a lot to get me to tear up but this one made me sigh*.....i couldn't even imagine. i am usually anti-marriage but this somehow has given me a glimmer of hope, that IT is possible......

http://www.photosbyknight.com/gray/

i want to believe, i want to want the things that everybody else wants. i want to try but it's hard. i do want to be contented but i don't know which road i must travel in order to get there. the roads. i used to think i knew what would make me happy. like i thought moving into a bigger house would make me happy, nope, just created more space. i thought getting a better car would make me happy but no that didn't work either. then i thought clearing my skin of my acne problem would make me happy but then, your face is clear but you're lacking confidence. so that failed. but then i placed all my bets on a relationship, i said yes a good solid relationship would bring me total and complete joy but those are filled with so many ups and downs that it's hard to even remember where exactly in it i was happy. so i'm back at square one. what is
happiness.....to me?


happiness is
talking to my grandparents on the phone every week-end
walking my dogs on evenings and entertaining them
watching my mother as she dances everywhere possible in the house, going on and on about the cha cha cha
it even used to be you....but that was in the beginning. now, tell me, are you happy?
talking to my girlfriends about everything under the sun
lunch dates with my father when both our schedules are free
traveling to new places, meeting people with good vibrations
listening and reading
enjoying my own company
getting lost in music.....but what happened to the music in me?



imagine i am sitting here trying to get everything that is inside out, trying to write how i feel and i started writing this piece and now nothing. it's like my mind has gone blank and i can't even remember what i was trying to get out. sigh* this morning i felt so high but now i feel down again. stupes, why me?

i wish somebody would tell me the secret.