ANGRY

Nowadays...
I only write when I’m angry

----

DON'T

this man says he loves me?
THIS MAN SAYS HE LOVES ME?
nuh uh, could never be
for loving me is easy...
walking on the tightrope of my insanity
you have me swimming in the endless sea of insecurity
you have made me lose my spirit song
and wish that there was no more music
you have left me empty, empty.
don’t bring your love where it doesn’t belong
don’t bring that love into my house
don’t let those words drip from your mouth
for loving me is too easy
and I love you so much
I’m willing to let you leave me...

----

FREE

She holds my secrets
close to her heart
close to her soul
and you can’t understand my questions?
(or can you?)

Those secrets I long to know
about a life parallel to mine
and red roses intertwined..

don’t you want to be free?

No feelings no pain
just thum that hum thum
could not stretch like my bubble gum
and holding and carrying the mother load
walking down long winding paths alone

Oh my oh joy oh what have you done?
turned a dark twisted fantasy from the morning sun
and the birds and the bees and the “beesnees”
stay hidden inside her thought tree

Oh why me why me why mademoiselle
we’re all damned to hell so we might as well
have wine and hot sex on Malibu
cause I am no longer waiting on you.

Don’t you want to be free (also)?

----

GOODBYE

goodbye my love, goodbye
sweet sunshine love goodbye
hear the sound of the hummingbird
sweet choral and soft lullabies
and the twinkling of my eyes
remember me as I am, remember everything
the days the nights have all run out
but I will think of you often
as through my mind you run about
oh sweet music to my ear, oh sweet rain
wet the appetite of my pain
goodbye my sugar candy cane
and me your silky cellophane
oh the wonders of the stars
and the Jupiter and the mars
could not hold what our cup held
nor could a better story the soothsayer tell
something real, something spurious
goodbye my mr. curious
I love you..

this will take some time

there is a hole in my chest where my heart used to be...

08-12-10
all i ever wanted to do was love you
that was all. no grand production
no flashing lights no postal service
spotlight. just music, just fire
just quiet times and long walks
and forever. that was all.

08-16-10
is it possible to have so many different feelings at the same time? thoughts racing through my mind, who really drank the poison? and who has the cure?

let the record show that my heart is beating wildy, beating like the desert drums, beating like a heavy downpour of thunder, beating, just beating inside my chest..

time will take me where i need to go, till then i just need to find the time to let go...

idk

i don't know where to find it
i don't even know where to look
i don't know if it likes writing or reading a book

i don't know where it's hidden
i've never heard of it before today
i don't know if it likes honey with its coffee

i don't know its feelings
i don't even know if it has any
i just know it can't be bought with a nickel or a penny

i don't know if it likes music
idk if it can dance or sing
i don't even know if it can fly or even has wings

i don't know what it likes
i don't know what it doesn't
i'm curious to know if i should or if i shouldn't

does it like movies?
or walks on the beach?
i'd be really disappointed if, it couldn't speak

i don't know what to do
i don't know if i should wait
it a quarter after midnight and i don't know why it's so late


i don't know why i'm in here
and i don't know when to leave
i just know it pulls on my heart strings like gravity

feel me?

plasticine

leave me love
just leave me alone
go off on a trip
and don't come back home
take a one way flight
off to Chinatown
buy a ticket to a Circus
and become a clown
i don't care what you do
so just cut me some slack
don't return my letters
or email me back
ignore me please if you will
and forget my name
hopefully in time and space
i'll learn to do the same
find another love, love
to gently hold your hand
to sit and talk all night
and to understand
do it! i don't mind
take love out to dinner
wine and dine love until
the saint's become a sinner
then take love to your bedroom
and make sweet slow love
vibrate the air as usual
make love see what you're made of
then, leave love hanging love
then make up with a smile :)
let love wonder and wonder
while you love another child
let love quarrel with you
trust me, i don't mind
i've neither the wherewithal
nor the sweet time
let love nag you
as you politely say
let love be the one to see your soul
and add light to your day
there you have it love
you're free to walk away
maybe we'll run into each other
in a land far far away
where we won't remember names
or the dreams we were made of
no we won't remember anything
not even the love...
love, leave me
oh please, leave me love
no don't return the email or letters
i want to e-v-o-l-v-e.

the road to nowhere

there's a stranger
living in my heart
and i didn't even catch the brother's name
it's strange..
he's cold
takes my breath away
steals the joy from my day
yet i want him to stay
it's strange...
he changes shape
everyday, leaving a footprint i don't recognize but
he has the sweetest brown eyes
it's strange..
he boils in my blood
makes me see red
but i do quite miss having him in my bed
it's strange..

joy

how great it would be
if we lived in Disney land
with the seven dwarfs
and peter pan

and all the colours
of the rainbow
and you were black
and me, white as snow

and we visited
the man on the moon
or lived inside
our own cocoon

oh how fun it would be
if we could deep sea dive
and find magical wonders
on rodeo drive

oh wonderful it would be
if we could all sleep for a time
and awake in the morning
in a nursery rhyme.

i'm in here

stand in line
till your name's called
jump in the sand
barefoot and bald

jump up and down
till they notice you
question not the love
but what they do

scream inside
the quiet zone
when the coffee's made
and the afternoon scones

the rum-bl-ings of
a stomach that can't be full
and the sighing of
the sorrowful.

monkey town

there's a stranger living in my heart
and she's made me quite cold
she's searching for something
her little hands can't hold

she wants what she wants
when she wants it
stubborn she is
she knows and she flaunts it

i haven't got accustomed
to her attitude
some call her daring
i say she's rude

and she barged right in
to my little body
no letter no warning
no apology

she's searching for something
that she just can't see
lives inside her
already

oh lost little girl
go on with your misery
take your cold hands
off of me.

poem 6

thinking...
where am i?
i feel like i'm stuck
somewhere between reality
and my imagination
i'm frustrated
i'm tired
out of breath
i'm everything
and everyone
i'm sad at times
it's hard being positive these days..
but..enough about me
tell me something about you that i don't know

poem 5

you are a beautiful beautiful woman
dry your eye, lift that head up high
and recognize....oooh child
from your nose to your thighs
back to your wonderful eyes
believe what your heart knows
pride bounces back to those
who try....child, think, sigh
laugh and dream
you are a fabulous human being..

white

if i had to pick a colour
to describe how i feel
i would choose yellow
because i feel hopeless and hopeful
at the same time
imagine..
not knowing but anticipating
crying but smiling
angry but relieved
man, life is interesting
so if i had to choose a colour
to describe how i feel now
i would pick white
because i feel free
and i've nothing to hide
and i don't mind if people see
my imperfections..

lying in bed staring at the ceiling

in that moment i decided and everything changed...

*

i could've
done more
given more
spread more
bled more
begged more
cried more
gone that extra mile
but i changed
my heart grew tired of trying
and i'm sorry

*

he calls me and calls me and calls me
wants to build a life with me
but when he had me, it just wasn't enough
man, i couldn't make this stuff up
i just don't understand the difference in me
between today and yesterday
that has somehow made me more appealing

*

we are both guilty
of giving up
and not catering
to each others' needs
and that's why i'm not angry
that's why i still love you..

*

she walks into a room
but is so uneasy
are they all staring?
is she, the center of attention and the butt of the jokes?
do they laugh and point
as she walks by?
her heart quickens
she feels nervous
she wants to leave
damn, those seeds of mistrust!

*

you've been ignoring me
we've been holding each other down since we were 16
you have always been my "fall back guy"
and now your new boo has you
i don't even know...
not calling me
i'm not impressed

*

tonight i sleep in our bed alone
i've turned off my cellphone
i don't want to be bothered
'cause tonight i want to sleep in our bed alone

*

oh melody
that will not get out of my head
where are the lullabies
when i need them

*

i write because i can't cry
my words have all dried
it's unfortunate and quite fortunate
at the same time

when the well runs..

we lived
we died
i think i'm
justified
to speak
to shout what
the noise
was about
cause we chose
we rose
we were
misdiagnosed
so now
we bleed
we're freed
pull the seed
it wasn't greed
it was glory
it was always about
the bedtime story
and the riches
and the fame
stays etched
in our flames
cause we lived
we died
and our hearts
both sighed
so let's go
let show
we can be better
so...
oh no
i can't believe
the midnight thief
got caught
by the witches tale
have mercy on
their souls
mr. bale
cause as they say
everything that has
a beginning
has an
end
we raise a glass
and watch the sands from the hourglass...

life is a wonderfully interesting enough journey

life is so interesting..

all of the things i've feared for so long have been taken away from me and i'm slowly realizing that there was no need for fear in the first place....

faith!

everything that has a beginning has an end.

those flowers..

as i go down
i go down hard
i'm not surrendering
i'm just saying cause...

i'm in love
with an impossible dream
that keeps me awake at night
and makes my heart scream

for as i go down
i go down fighting
and i shine as bright as the sun
and strike like a flash of lightening

i don't want to feel it
but i find it hard to let go
of your hand and your heart
and your flag, white as the snow

and as i go down
there's no looking back
and i got all the books and boxes
and that good old 8 track

and i won't call either
or use modern technology
i'll let the picture perfect frame
reflect in a memory

cause as i go down
i'm gone forever
and i won't be coming back
in November..

old man

my grandfather is getting old
i can see it in his face, the hard lines, the tired eyes
yea, he's definitely getting old
and i can hear it in his voice
the meek words and soft laughter

that brings a weary smile to those hard lines and tired eyes

that bore out of a hard lived life.

my grandfather is getting old
for i can feel it in his arms
that once held me tightly, now
barely hang on for a few seconds.....

hoping to feel power in my grip

i wonder,where did those hard lines come from?

as each day passes he ages

i can sense it in his being

not too sure if he's coming or going

existing in these times

computers and gadgets, not too sure of the meaning

just being.

aging.

my grandfather is getting old

i can see it in his walk

inches on by, on his way to church

dressed all big and proud

you would never guess those were his tired eyes

and his quiet laughter that you see in the back of the church would you preacher?

yet, he's there, nothing could keep him away.

please note.

my grandfather is skin and bones

and i don't understand how such a strong spirited man

could gradually just fade away

i don't like it, not one bit!

why must my grandfather grow old?

can't he just stay how he was

patriarchal, strong and proud

a man to admire and fear

a man of great virtue and wisdom

the man i remember?

my heart sinks when i see my grandfather

because every day i live with this fear

that i'll wake up one morning and he is no longer there

that those hard lines would stay transfixed on his face

leaving the last image of him with tired eyes

and a glimpse at a hard lived life that too many forget.

but still, my grandfather is getting old and there's nothing i can do about it.

i feel......powerless

untitled (i suppose)

that's the way love goes

(i suppose)

you meet

wine and dine

you sleep together.

you quarrel

you talk

you regret what you said.

you miss each other

you laugh together

you plan a future.

that's the way love goes?

(God only knows)

i sure don't.

on hawthorne street..

somewhere

between an echo

and good-bye

in the cosmos

of the sky

and the twinkling

of an eye

i found..

something

floating in the

sargasso

like a spirited

adagio

smooth

like a piano

i found..

blinding lights

and multicolor

warm bread

and awakened

flowers

fresh march

showers

timeless hours

i found...

chocolate filled

deep rich

soil mixed

alcohol freedom

a cocktail

of praisejoy

redemption

looking back

in the mirror's

reflection

i found

Vanya.

2:14 am

no warm body in my bed

is that why i can't sleep?

watching the pendulum swing

on that old grandfather clock?

how much time left has he got?

what are the marvelous adventures

that run through his mind?

why can't he tell them to me?

why can't i live through

his memories?

oh sweet old man

there's no place i'd rather be

and nothing i'd rather do

than wait on you hand and body

until you're called

until you find your peace

until the voices are silenced

and you can finally get

a good night's sleep

i guess we're in the same boat

is that why i can't sleep?

mama

oh mama

i miss you

you're miles away

but always on my mind

i'll see you soon

where the sun shines

and the joy of your heart seeps into mine.

quasi happiness

i am

whoever you say i am!

in that time

in that space

in that emotion

words that can't be erased

words that can't be taken away

once they've been given

truth speaks volumes when the colour is red

truth reeks the truth when they're laced with hatred

truth hurts too when it's said by you know who

telling you what you are in that moment..

then the colour fades

the soldiers retreat

words of anger turn to words of sweet-ness

words that just don't stick

that just don't ring true

truth is, we're both guilty of this too

truth is we don't even know who we were then

people we wouldn't recognize on replay

truth is i ain't apologizing for what i've said

and i ain't apologizing for being me.

(neither should you)

haven't changed much since you found me

so i wonder then, who's changed, who hasn't?

(and who is resistant?)

she keeps on..

love:evolving (how things change)

i don't know

why these things happen

why the feelings once had now seem forgotten

trying to find

the right words to say

to justify my reasons for walking away

questions, answers?

nobody knows

why we struggle so hard to make something grow?

something once magical

now gone up in smoke

the ashes from the flames now leave us to choke

it's not the words

the emails or letters

it's the picture torn to pieces in that fit of anger

the gap that has left

this writer feeling blocked

as her thoughts she's been keeping in a box

i don't know why

i could never express

the way i felt through our emptiness

no words, i've no sounds

to really explain

so i guess i'll have to write that love letter again

to the lover i had

that was oh so sweet

the notes in my words of my heartbeats

i can't explain

why we couldn't make it through

and i don't want to end it with corny "i love yous"

but i'll say this much

i just don't know why it is

that quiet recognition i found before still lives...

in you.

once a man, twice..

she was a sly girl

sneaking in like a thief in the night

stole his mind over wine and some kinky conversation

weak he was, in the knees

couldn't eat, couldn't sleep

left him babbling at her beauty she,

knew what she was doing

in a world filled with darkness

so cold where she lives

made him gave up his family

to go play house with a stranger

which made him stranger

slimy slithery snake

all she ever did was take take

take.

what wasn't hers

what was left of his memory

she hid in a box

her selfish way of keeping you to herself

damn her to hell! damn her...

and that wife that you left at home moans

over church hymns

wondering when you will come back...

the thinking line

i thought i'd feel different

but i actually feel free

i finally feel like i can breathe

and now i exhale..

no longer trapped in the

mental jail of my mind

i've taken back what was mine

my sanity. hey, how've you been old friend?

was so tired of being

center-stage. on lips laced with lime

sour..

counting down the hours

to my space, my hiding place

from the anarchy.

from the dramedy

someplace safe.

i can't lie at first it hit me!

like a flash of lightening..

frightening!!!..what will they say?

then i realized i stopped caring

a long time ago and that is sad..

i was ready to push out the womb

ready for deliverance

i wasn't sure how i'd feel

i mean, i don't feel like a failure

i don't feel insecure

i feel, oh what's the word

misunderstood.

but i know there is a reason

i know this is the season

for change. so i open up myself

to it.

blue

sometimes it is so hard to stay positive when negative thoughts creep in so easily. i never propose to know all the answers but there are some questions i don't even know who to ask. frustrated. today i feel sad because i feel as though my future is in someone else's hands, hands that don't heal, hands that don't help, angry hands. hands that destroy.

i know why the caged bird sings and i should probably sing along as music is the one of the few things that makes me feel strong. (oops, i'm rhyming, this is not meant to be a poem).

a wise friend once told me "never fear the end, prepare for the next step" but i am having been trying to step for the longest time but my feet stay planted. i must be here for a reason? faith vanya faith.

sometimes it's just so hard to stay up, especially when i feel like i have no control (over the lies that are told), over the misconceptions, i just wish someone would ask ME a question, damn! i have a voice..

i always say i should never take work home, so why am i here thinking. i will not cry but i am feeling it and worry has sorrowfully taken over (for now).

"when one door closes another one opens", "day runs till night catches it"..blah blah

i think i'll go take a bath and lie down.

these fruits

this food

from this earth

feeds this brain

and this body

that works hard

sweats even harder

that dances through traffic

and sings through the rain

that laughs with friends

and walks the dogs

that kneels to pray

that gives thanks

that opens mouths

and gossips less

that blesses those

who need them most

that holds hands

and hugs strangers

that talks to the old

and leaves footprints for the children

that never goes hungry

that feeds off His word

that eats these great fruits

from this green earth.

fade a way

i have a friend who's stuck in the past

she's going insane and she can't get away

from memories that make her miserable.

i wish i knew what to say to make her day a little brighter...

now..i see

when i see him smile

a light lights up in me

making me shine...

i love him.

everything he is

and will become is beautiful to me

the man that cradles my body

and massages my feet

sweet, like sugarcane

soft and hard at the same

time arms enfolding mine

this man is wonderful

makes my soul sing to the music

he is listening to me breathe

and i believe he was made to be

with me.

black bird

oh the black bird

perched high up

in the tree

sings so beautifully

about the beauty

of the morning

the black birds sings

cause the sun is shining

and not one thing's

wrong with that

the black birds crows

and runs across the roof

spreading the news of

the new dawning

she's happy

that black bird

chirping away

not a care or worry

about what lies ahead today

just singing that happy song

encouraging others to sing along

and join her in

loud chorus

oh that black bird sings

every single morning

around 5:30

while i'm still sleeping

gosh i love that bird

for making my mornings noisy

and not a care nor clue

'bout the extra 2 hours i'm due

damn that bird!

i can make you feel loved

oh lonely lost souls

walking down dark roads

looking for a mother's hand to hold

there is a light shining for you down hope road.

we are all cut from that same thread

be filled with the water and the bread

for now. i can hear your cries in my head

at night when i pray for you in my bed.

cause the butterflies float through the night air

bringing colour and laughter to your faithless ear

do you hear? do you hear?

they're singing your prayers

yes they are.

as the circle of life still looms

and the witches have all gone off on their brooms

let the children walk around the room if they want too

their time to shine is soon.

and i can't wait to see them fly.

poem 4

no spoon

no golden ticket

no lucky 7

no jiminy cricket

no sunken treasure

no gone till september

just dried up weeds

and forgotten tomorrows..

poem 3

see me

not the

slur in my speech

limp in my walk

threads in my frock

woman i'm not

colour of my skin

texture of my hair

company that i keep

cross that i bear

look closely

tell me what you see

as i've forgotten

who i am...

poem 2

soft silky hugs

chocolate arms

enfolding my spirit

sweet smells of man..

poem 1

i woke up today

in my bed

in my room

in my house

in my clothes

in my toes

while CNN reported

my sisters and brothers

have nothing

and i only just remembered

to say thank you..

start small